Love & Me: Two Parallel Lines!

I thought about drafting a blog when I was spending delightful time doing number 2. It’s one of the few things that relaxes me (yayy poop humor! I’m literally “full of it”). I had some idea, that includes references (or inspired from) one certain chapter of Rhett & Link’s Book of Mythicality- which is Chapter 10, (Say I Love You Like it’s Never Been Said). The problem is, I F O R G O T what I thought when I was making satisfying and relaxing brown thingies for the sewer system to work on. I must go raw.

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Raw as this “abstract” drawing by me, depicting my “sadness”! Classy! Meh!

Owwwwwww!

Well, you may consider this as my “Generic February Blog” covering Spring and Valentine’s Day. Neither I am a huge fan or expert of (respectively) In my defense regarding the “spring” thing, I am dang allergic, and the allergy queen rules the spring kingdom! GRRR!

And my (lack of experience) is somewhat my creation. Let’s assume (for the sake of context, and save my life) I am a good for dang nothing straight broad with everything a man does NOT wanna deal with. TBH, I generally don’t treat other peoples’ opinions as absolute, but this “opinion” about me from a dude-friend of mine, or you can say was (well I “thought to be”) my boyfriend at one dang naive point of my life. That dark and crazy limbo time of switching between vet school to engineering school till the whole freshman year. Dang! It’s kinda self explanatory! A frustrated (almost) college freshman grilled in the burning reality all at once (ah the caustic flames of South Asian “values”, misogyny, and financial trauma).

 

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Yeah right! Who would ever want to deal with T H I S? (But this tie thingy was inspired by Sarah G’s iconic style in Auto Tune The News #10 ) 

Oh, did I mention he also said, “You’re a good friend and great human being” while expressing his opinion how unfit I was to be a straight amorous interest? My apologies, for he “sincerely” said that. I don’t hold it against him though. It’s his observation, and he just wanted to “not soil” a friendship that we had before I apparently “stared imagining things that weren’t there”. He’s happily married now and his wife lady managed to give him hope that he lost in a bad breakup before my naive days (ah “teenage dreams“).

The reason why I considered his “opinions” because, my bros (male friends I have never had any crush on, and vice verse, yes they admit) have always had similar remarks. Like I am “repulsive” as an amorous interest to “most men” around. Well, apart the creepy and predatory asshats. Generally I don’t regret it. I never had any “fantasy” of “one true love” for myself. My only man-crush IRL (also happily married now), a true gentleman he is, thought I was a dude (even though I changed my gender info in FB, (which I generally keep “male” to fend off the creeps, ans boy it works) for me, it’s a huge sacrifice). Even though I literally sat in the next table to his one almost every single day in college.

Seems like I’m cursed/destined with men majoring in Electrical and Electronics Engineering! The first dude ever to approach me for an amorous courtship back in middle school, that “supposed” boyfriend, and pièce de résistance, the IRL man-crush- it can’t be a coincidence anymore, CAN IT (actually the first and last one became classmates in college)?

The ball is on your court dear men who majored in EEE, and are interested in women generally thought to be “good friends”, “great humans”, and “everything a man does not wanna deal with when it comes to being an amorous interest”.

(I know I am nowhere near the point. However, it’s totally fine if you’re bored, and I apologize.)

Yes, Chapter 10 from Book of Mythicality! The chapter is about how you should profess your amorous feelings (do I use the dang word amorous (and dang) way too much? Sorry) to the loved ones in your own creative way, which makes it more mythical, magical and exclusively yours. And NOT about how you would find an amorous partner for the first time when you’re 26, without any previous experience of dating!

That is why, the wonderful chapter had zero utility for me if you consider the principal purpose of that chapter was how to profess your affection.

However, that chapter got me into worrying about something many heated discussions with parents, and/or other relatives could never do. Worrying about the fact that “my time” is running out. These two men found the people they have been in love with, and committed to when they were barely in their twenties. When they went through the bulldozers of engineering school, maintaining a great result (this part seems most fascinating to me, and that might be a giveaway that I’m not okay), and staying in touch with their creative sides. I could barely move, talk, and exist – apart being absorbed in frustration, competition, exhaustion, and giving my best to become a good-enough computer engineer. Guess what, it didn’t work out.

(Can never thank Gregory Brothers enough for being by my side during college days. I guess I never told you Morchael, but your OMG somg was my anthem during the stalling cafeteria times when my man crush was sitting a few feet away from me, musing over his then-girlfriend, who was a gorgeous being)

And here I am now. I cannot even concentrate on any amorous thoughts without being distracted by the fact that I am a failed engineer. And when I concentrate to be a good engineer, I start thinking how bad of a writer I am! And when I think about writing, my mind drifts to the land of despair marked as “how inexperienced I am in love”.

Trifecta y’all!

People around me are finding “love” (or amorous relationships) flying left, right, and center. In this time o social networks and internet it’s supposed to be “easier”, right?

To be honest, I don’t even know anymore! I, however, have found another reason why I am such “love handicapped”.

Before you draw any conclusions, I am strictly referring to my conditions. This necessarily does not apply on others. Don’t compare this drool’s life to yours.

Turns out I am unable to love and accept myself for the person I truly am. I am not in peace with myself. Maybe if I did, I probably would at least make myself do better than this loser self that I am now. And even though more of it has to do it with me, I have some blame for the mental illnesses I’ve been suffering from for last 12 years (or maybe more). If I get to love myself more, I might do better, and will probably get by without an amorous companion.

So, again like last year, here’s to me! And my old buddy mental illnesses and inability to do better. Constructive narcissism FTW!

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Dream Diary/The Ultimate Mythical Sleepover!

Can’t believe I am blawgging at werk. But hey! I write blawwwwgs for them all the time! I should be allowed to write some of my own! Especially when it’s MY BLOODY LUNCHBREAK! Today’s gonna be a looooong ass day. Already got a shitload of werk and only 40% of that is finished! I MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY WHEN I CAN, BEFORE I AM THROAT DEEP AT WERK 😡

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Anyway, after a loooooong time (I’m emphasizing the o’s because it’s been VERY long time), I had a good and interesting (or maybe just plain good) dream, that did NOT involve me running for my life or making out with a friend to save him from black tar like alien beings that can kill people or I am forced to take high school tests AGAIN!

I dreamed that I had a sleepover with mythical crews Becca , Allie , Lizzie, Ellie, and Micah.

Phenomenal right?

It so dang was!

It was a long dream I guess. I fell asleep by 2:00 am and woke up by 8:00 am (I don’t get such long sleeps during weekdays (I know I’m pathetic, you’re free to judge)). And I don’t remember much about the dream apart, my parents moved back to our old house (yes, I still live with my parents, I’m “culturally bound” to some extent, in case you didn’t know). It’s somewhat renovated. And somehow there are some strange changes in the BGB HQ (Headquarters area of the border guard force, which is right in front of our house ) landscapes, and there’s a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge field/stadium in front of our place. And some big arse UN cultural event was taking place there (yes, I saw the UN flag).

And Mythical Entertainment sent their delegates there. (Yayyy!). Since I was the only mythical beast around who lived right next to the event venue, they stayed with me (it wasn’t strange at all! Booking hotels and hiring guides are for boring reality, meh!). So there we were, Becca was very jet lagged, Ellie and Lizzie took a keen interest in phuchka, a local snack that my mom served, and I had a very animated conversation with Allie and Micah about local places they must visit that tour guides in Bangladesh normally won’t take foreigners to (like Shahbagh Shishu Park, Old Dhanmondi Streets, Nilkhet, Biryani Joints in Old Dhaka, and my rooftop (I remember mentioning THAT)).

I took them to the event that I don’t remember much about apart people in VERY SHOCKING PINK UNITARDS RUNNING AROUND THE LENGTH OF THE FIELD. When we got back, Becca immediately hit the hammock. The rest probably had dinner or cleaned up. But I was already preoccupied with the cowdung that stuck to my feet.

I JUST COULD NOT WASH IT OFF! It took me a while to wash my feet and when I got back, I saw THEY MADE A FORT IN MY ROOM!

ARE YOU READING IT RIGHT?

MYTHICAL CREW PEOPLE MADE A FORT IN MY ROOM AND INVITED ME IN!

I don’t remember anything else now! I don’t care if I won’t! I’m way to elated already!

Maybe it was a residue of the reality that YouTube Red isn’t available in my country, along with playstore purchases. And I had a “consolation dream”.

I don’t mind consolation dreams like this!

I promise, dear crew members, I’ll take you to the best tasting phuchka, biryani, and rezala places in Dhaka, if you ever think of coming here. Till then, you are always welcome in my dream! ^_^

I love you all!

LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE/ STOP CALLING PRE-TEENS “SEXY”

Like we needed any more! Ugh!

Since I am from the third world, underprivileged mouse-hole, let me start with what we grow up seeing. In our country, government LEGALIZED underage marriage of girls in “special conditions” such as “rape”, “pregnancy” or “kidnap” (because nobody would marry a woman who was abducted by goons when she was young, let’s get her married off with the available jackass). You can safely say, this has made majority of people happy, majority live in the rural area and they just don’t want to deal with the daughters when they reach teenage. And this “majority” vote, therefore, keeping them happy means securing more votes.

Right?

Honey, everything is fair in love, war and misogyny!

When I was younger and more naive, I had  faith is many stuff that are not as promising as I thought those are. Like the concept of communism. Sure it’s all nice and fancy, when you’re born and raised in a family where you’re economically safe, there are three meals in front of you and you don’t have to worry about working or getting paid for your hard work, it’s fancy. It is also tempting when you are in walking because you don’t have the money even for a bike and someone is riding their Convertible in front of you. But when you get past the naivete, you snap out of it. Today, I’m not here to diss communism. That’s another thing to save for letter.

Let’s talk about the other thing my naive self used to think. WEST IS DIFFERENT! THEY LET THE YOUNG GIRLS ENJOY BEING YOUNG THERE! How horribly wrong I was! Sure, the parents don’t marry off their 8th grade daughter, but they sure expect them to be “ladylike” and “poised” just like the parents in the east do. The society, the sick media and the pedophiles come crawling at the poor pre-teen girls, to make sure they don’t get to enjoy their age.

It happens to regular kids, one year they are just little kids who play, fight and roll in the mud. The next year, they’re fussing about the lipstick brands, boyfriends and trashy popstars (err, no judgment here, just some default metalhead rants, excuse me). If you’re going to start “Hey, THEY VOLUNTARILY DO THOSE STUFF! NOBODY FORCES THEM TO DO THAT!” bullshit, I suggest you to shut up. Right there!

NO! They do that kind of stuff because that is what portrayed “normal” for them. Why does a 13 years old girl think about making herself look like a lady? Because the surroundings sow a tiny seed of evil thought that, if they look like a lady, that’d be good for them. Anyway, it is also true, if the parents are conscious, and the girls in question are resilient, they get to enjoy a normal pre-teen life.

But the poor girls who work in media? Bless them.

Pre-teen girls are often portrayed as more “grown-up” ish these days. These little humans are presented in designer gowns and makeups to cover their teenage innocence and give them what gets the “circulation”, SEX APPEAL! UGH!

This is so wrong! Not only this harms this poor kid, but also the kids of her age AROUND THE WORLD! When one child, who plays an iconic role in a series that is very jerry popular, the promotion stills and videos go viral in a snap! And the whole world grasps on whatever is provided.

More precisely, whatever pedophilia-friendly bullshit is provided! We are in a time when child pornography and sexual abuse on children is an uncontrollable problem. AND WE ARE FUELING IT MORE BY putting a pre-teen girl’s face plastered with makeup on a magazine cover and writing the word SEXY on it!

NO! DON’T EVEN DARE SAYING “Come on! She was only on the cover, and other grown-ups in a list are referred as “sexy”, not her!

Asshat! We know about the font sizes and how those impact your first impression! That pedophile in bus stand won’t bother reading the tiny text! They’ll see the poor teenager, and they’ll see the word SEXY. And they will jerk off to that! Yeah, that’s how they function!

STOP DOING THAT! FOR FUCK’S SAKE! LET THE KIDS BE KIDS! GIVE THEM CRAYONS FOR KIDS FOR A CHANGE! They have had enough of the “baby size tuxedos”, “baby lipsticks” and “baby cocktail dresses”!

More importantly, STOP STEALING THE CHILDHOOD FROM THE PRE-TEENS! They only get a few years to enjoy the innocence, until life happens, where more predators, financial crises and other demons start haunting them!

LEAVE THEM BE!

I cannot FRIEND

You read it right! I think I don’t know how to be a friend. I lack the fundamentals of being a “friend”.

I actually never thought about it until last year. I always knew I’m an oddball, a “different” kind of person, and if you want to say, then yes, a “weirdo”. I won’t disagree. But I thought that’s who I was, and if people accept me for this me, then there can be nothing wrong between us if we want to be “friends”.

Plain and simple, right?

WRONG!

It started with the YouTubers. And before you draw a conclusion, JUST DON’T! I’m not “intimidated” by the friendships they manifest, it just made me think of things I never thought before. Like the friendship between the “Holy Trinity”, Hannah Hart, Mamrie Hart and Grace Helbig, friendship of Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox, there are more, I can write an entire blog about that. But that’s not the point. However, I was moved by observing the friendship between Rhett McLaughlin and Link Neal. Yes, they I think so far the biggest influences in my life right now, the way Gregory Bros were during my college days. And also there was the friendship between Allison Raskin and Gaby Dunn. Aaand then this tweet thread just cracked me up. I DON’T HAVE THIS! MOST OF THESE! (Or maybe any of these)!

And observing their friendship, I first noticed that I DON’T FIGHT with my friends. Sounds weird right? How come that be a concern. Let me be more specific, I realized I don’t fight with:

  1. Lady friends whom I knew since I was a kid (well at least pre-teen)
  2.  Dude friends of my age whom I get to know after college and have a great friendship with (well I’ve got quite emotional dependency on them)
  3. Lady friends whom I knew from college

In some cases, it’s likely that I’ve got to know these people only for a few years, and so far we’ve got many things common between us, hence, we didn’t have any reason to get into a fight/conflict.

BUT, IN SOME CASES THERE WERE NOT!

I had every reasons to be mad at people and start a fight, and sometimes they did the same. There were conflicts, there were bad blood. But those stuff would always elude me, in span of a few minutes to days. I forgot whatever happened.

UNTIL A FEW WEEKS LATER. And I could not even bring those up and start a fight.

Does any of these sound “weird” to you? It does to me. Especially after seeing two men in late thirties fight like kids and making up ON SCREEN when they’re doing a show, and it’s NOT FOR COMIC RELIEF, it dawned on me. Am I missing something? Like a very basic human skill that people pick up without even trying?

And slowly this tiny snowball started gaining momentum. And now I feel like I’m going to get an ice coffin. Sigh! I think this inability to withstand/identify conflicts has costed me some friendships. I am already living a doomed life, I get scared all the time, the untreated mental struggles aren’t leaving me alone either. I think I am in a worse hell than I was in a few months ago. This realization is doing me no good.

However, I should also note, even though I am losing grip on many friendships I thought would last the way it bloomed, as an oddball, I’ve got a few oddball friends. We’ve got many things common between us, we laugh together, we fight, we have our agreements and disagreements, but we are there for each other, and funny thing is, none of us are of same age, we’ve got different majors, different careers, different kinds of personal lives/relationship situations- like everything is DIFFERENT among us. But we’re like a weird pack of wolves who manages to stick together. Now that I think of it, I think this oddball friendship, where I can ease myself, without worrying to hurt it and stuff, has subconsciously made me question whether my other friendships are okay or not.

Oh, also, I didn’t mention the other kinds of friendships, like the ones with my bros (guy friends I knew forever), well, I’m not ashamed to admit but, sometimes I can be quite a “basic bro”-ish human, and I think that kept our friendships alive and going just like they were when we were ten years olds. We can’t appear “awkward” in front of each-other even if we try. It’s just we’re so far away from each other, in geographical and time zone manner, we grew apart. We still fight, from fistfight or epic swear battles. I think some friendships don’t grow up even if we do.

Did I went way far away from my point? If I did, then let me state it again. I think I am incapable of being a friend to some extent. And it is NOT something to be okay with. Now that “real life” has began, and I’ve got more scary challenges ahead. Also, I’m turning into a one man bloody army. A weak one.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I think I’m never going to get a friend to sing the BFF song with. 😦

On scale of 1 to 99, how pathetic am I?

Itches before Smooches: Art of (sad) Life

Well, before I even start, I must say what I’ve been saying to people who’ve met me more than a month ago. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you know how much my anxiety involves the health of my parents. So, my dad is recovering from a severe health issue. And already jumped in his regular life while healing (and it’s a heck lot of pressure). That has made my anxiety and fears stronger. Sleep has totally eluded me and focusing on my duties have become harder since now I have more things to fear and actually some of the things I used to “fear” have happened for real. My mouth is dry most of the time whenever I can sense dad is having a hard time and I have hardly anything to do with resolving it. Though he let me run his business for a few days when he was in hospital and a week or two after the surgery. But as a dynamic person he is, he took it over and working at least 5-7 hours a day.

Though it is hard for me to talk about dad’s health issue because it cracks me up. He suffered from it mostly because he was mistreated in his own business by his associates. Anyway, as I have done this “hard part”, it’s safe to tell you, I am in a even worse mental health position right now. I stress out more, I still have no mental health counselling facilities, and more of the scary stuff are bottling up. And channels to let these fears go are shrinking with time.

But (literally) some channels are too mythical to shrink. This is Mythical is one such channel. Along with GMM, GMMore, and Rhett & Link’s “main” channel (believe me, we still watch this, last Friday my friends and I were in a fb confo and someone shared a meme, which reminded one of us (not me) the Are you gonna eat that song, and we all went through the old Rhett & Link rabbit hole).

Today, especially was (and still is) a scary day for me, since dad had some important business stuff being executed and it took almost midnight. The whole day, at work I was worried, almost blotted as the ink-blotting papers. I repeatedly listened to the Mortal Kombat soundtrack while working on the websites to be tested, contents to be written, and menstrual pains to be felt.

I think these days I worry more than dad does, I guess I just try to worry his part along with mine, even knowing that one cannot do another person’s worrying. I wish it could be done that way though.

Enough “sidetracking”, I know. If this was bowling, the ball wouldn’t even be in the gutter. It’d be rolling on the alley floor.

The point is, the stress was a little easier on me since it’s Sunday. And Sunday means “Ear Biscuiiiiiiiiiiits” (Neh, not quite like the old mail song (Just FYI, new Ear Biscuits are available every Monday everywhere podcasts are found, this is the full video version of previous week’s Ear Biscuits)).

When dad switched off his phone, handed it to me and finally went to bed, I was finally a little “relaxed”. And started watching last week’s Ear Biscuits (yayy!). Boy today’s topic was fun. (Last week’s was cool too! Girling Up sounds like the book I think I could use when I was “growing up” and I’m sure you’ll know why as you keep on reading this blog (given I finish it and articulate it properly)).

Today they talked about “first kiss”. If you’re a mythical beast, you already know about this. And I think you go and watch it and not have it soiled with my sloppy discussions. Sure they tweeted and made fayboo posts about sharing our (the mythical beasts’) first kiss experiences. And I tweeted back, I’m yet to have one and I’m oddly compulsive about making a Drew Barrymore reference, I guess she starred and  produced the movie “Never Been Kissed”.

I decided to blawwg about that podcast because I felt like ranting. Not that I feel “bad” for not being in a relationship or having a smoochie everrr, even though I’m in mid 20s. But I felt like the world should know why have I “never been kissed”. Hey, everyone is allowed to be a little narcissistic.

To be honest, even though I live in a “conservative” country and community, “first kisses”, though tabooed, but aren’t “rare”. When I was in 6th or 7th grade, all the “popular girls” in our class had boyfriends. Oh, I studied in a co-ed military school. But the boys and girls studied together from grades 1-5 and then 11 and 12. From 6th to 10th grade, girls went to school in morning shift and boys in afternoon shift.

So, yes, like 30% of the girls in the class were the “popular ones”,  50% were the “normal girls”, who’d have whispering conversations about the girls with boyfriends and sharing their “fantasies” (or “expectations”) of their Mr. Perfects, 10% were in-between the “popular” girls, and the “normal” girls. 5% were into only sports and NOTHING ELSE. My friends filled up the rest 4%, who were nerds and only cared for either Age of Empires or Simone de Beauvoir, and unanimously obsessed with Harry Potter. We even had a Hogwarts professor name assigned to most of our teachers. Yes, we had an Umbridge (dang, she still teaches there -_- (She’s the drill teacher and would never take girls on field for “modesty issues”, if that doesn’t sound like Umbridge, I don’t know what does)), several Snapes, a McGonagall, and a female Professor Binns (no joke, many girls slept through the classes).

Oh yes, and there was me. The literal oddball. I was NOT “popular” but everyone knew me. Like literally everyone. Younger students would call me “Robin Hood” because I would straighten out the bullying kids for them, older students knew me because I was that kid who would be in backstage, helping out with the props for every event, teachers knew me because I was a responsive kid, and awfully regular (even though my grades were only “normal”). Also, before 6th grade, most of my friends were dudes. Which probably makes me more of an oddball. Like you know how the “societal segregation” work among kids, like the girls find boys “gross” and boys find girls “girly”.

I never knew what that was like. I grew up with brothers (cousins), my only sibling is a boy, most of my friends before school were dudes too. It was only normal. And unlike most parents in our “conservative culture”, my parents were never against me befriending boys either. I grew up around my uncles and aunts who had their fair share of healthy friendships with opposite genders and it was never awkward to me.

Well it wasn’t awkward to me because I used to think I was one of them. Actually I hoped something wrong happened to me and I’ll turn into a boy when I grow up. I’m not lying, I hoped that so hard. And when I read Tom Sawyer, I “hoped” that to happen with all my willpower (clearly that wasn’t enough). Especially when Tom’s wish of to be dead for a while and then being resurrected again like Lazarus came true, I thought mine will as well.

So, the 4 years old me used to think, someday this wrong will be corrected and I’ll be a dude like my friends. Now if you think, I was the poster “tomboy” girls they show in romantic comedy movies, with baggy jeans, crew cuts and grease on face, you’ll be mistaken. Sure, I’d have a crew cut, and would always be hanging out with boys, playing soccer or cricket and coming back home with a hot temper for stepping in cow-dung. But I would always be wearing frilly feminine dresses. My parents wanted to raise a strong, independent, intelligent FEMININE girl (I feel sorry for them).

So, boys were nothing to fantasize for me. And I developed what I thought was “my kind of thing to do”. Which was fancying a girl. Who was my friend’s cousin (boy she came back in my life later, and I was the one running away from her on tow, that’s a whole different (academic) story! (The crush is crushed and burned)). It happened in 5th grade, when my friends would talk about which girl they think are cute and they’re going to date in 6th grade. Well, I never said it out loud, homophobia is legal here, and even though I hoped to be a dude, I knew enough that others won’t believe it unless it happened, therefore I kept the lady of my fancy a secret.

Guess what? In 5th grade, a dude in my class (friend of my then bff) started acting strange towards me. And boy I hate creepy and gnawy dudes. I didn’t hesitate a moment to let him know he was acting creepy when he said he wants to “establish friendship” with me.

This feels strange to write about him right now, because he left this world (may Almighty have peace upon his soul). He’s gone too early. But those were our literally young days, and now I understand, he had a whole different “hope situation” planned in his head, just like I did.

So, in 7th grade, when I finally had my period (yes, in tropical countries period and menopause come early), I realized my hopes were TARNISHED. And this dude decided to “ask me out” on my first day of period. Bad timing bro.

Of course I lashed out on him. With things like “how immature it is for a 7th grader to ask a classmate out and clearly I am not interested in stuff like that”, well stuff that an “adult” would tell us. Boy! He didn’t expect that from me. I think I embarrassed him, because he came with his friends (who were NOT my friends) and they were finding his “situation” funny. I felt sorry for him at least a few years later.

So, I essentially battled with the sadness of not being a dude and having the life I wanted that only a boy could live in the society we lived. So, when my friends were slowly becoming “normal”, the “popular” girls were getting their first dates and first kisses and talking about those, I was more into Age of Empire, re watching The Matrix twice a day, fantasizing myself in fictional situations in books I loved (mostly Tom Sawyer), and having Harry Potter themed nightmares. Also, most of my friends had older siblings and they’d have all the insights and tips on studies, which were fairly recent, since I only got those from my mom and even though she was trained as a teacher were not as recent as theirs. Which developed an inferiority complex in me. I focused on that too. I had zero time for fancying dudes. Seriously.

When I finally found a male celebrity “cute” enough, he came out. I still love and appreciate this incredible Westlife vocalist. But the irony was interesting.

So, one of my Potter loving female friends got their boyfriend in 11th grade, she went to a different school though by then. Two of my friends developed platonic crush on their tutor who taught at a private academic aid that they attended, and another friend of mine got rejected by her classmate in a physics tutorial I think.

AND I WAS THERE, LOOKING FOR THE “Other me”, LIKE ORHAN PAMUK (the Literature Nobel Laureate 2006) MENTIONED IN HIS ADDRESS, THE “ANOTHER ORHAN” (excerpt from his then latest book Istanbul, a chapter named “My Father’s Briefcase” I think). I was literally looking for the another me, and also spent a lot of time daydreaming about the “what ifs” when I wasn’t studying.

I think “I missed the beat” there.

I opened up to having “cis crushes” when I started college, like “celebrity crushes”.

AND ON ONE FINE DAY, I REALIZED, I HAD A CRUSH ON A DUDE WHOM I LOATHED BECAUSE HIS GIRLFRIEND STARTED GOING OUT WITH HIM AFTER CHEATING ON MY FRIEND!

Bigger irony is, this dude was classmate of that dude who asked me out in 7th grade. And we all went to same college, I studied Computer Engineering and they studied Electrical Engineering.

Boy those agonizing days! That dude and I became friends later. He’s a happy married guy now. It’s awkward for me, but meh. That’s my secret, I’m always awkward (and I make Hulk proud!).

I was supposed to talk about why I haven’t had my much tabooed first kiss yet, right?

I think it’s because I was never “interested” or “driven” enough to approach. And never strongly felt the needs. Maybe the horrors that gnaw in my flesh have more of my attention, so I don’t care much about these “fluttery” stuff. I really don’t feel romantic most of the time. It does not happen to me without external triggers like a good romantic ballad or a moving piece of art/literature. And the effect never sticks for long. My bro friends said, I’m in a limbo.

Meh!

No hope for kisses for me eh? That’s sad because I don’t end up in the surprise party every South Asian youth fears called “arranged marriage”. I think I’m ready for dropping my wards a little.

WAIT!

Does Hershey’s Kisses count?

We Don’t Help Ourselves/Nobody’s Gonna Help Us

UPDATE: I saw the PIRATED version of that book I mentioned first, it costed 200 units of our local currency and the Original version cost 1500 after bargaining. Still wondering why people prefer pirated stuff?

Today I’m here to rant about normalization of piracy and consumer rights fragile AF where I live (birthright much?)!

A book (to be sold in South Asian countries) for 600 Indian currency will be at least 2000 our currency. But 1 INR is equal to 1.25 of our currency. Yes. The book should cost like 750, and let’s just add 350 of our currency for “shipping cost” bs. It should be like 1100. But what the guacamole! If we buy that book in our country, it’s going to be almost double the bloody price!

And it’s same for the textbooks! Like most of my engineering textbooks are either published by McGraw Hill or Pearson. And they’ve got low price South Asian editions, like the Stein, Rivest and Cormen’s Introduction to Algorithms south Asian edition cost 450 INR. In our currency, the original South Asian copies should not cost more than 850 of our currency. But, the irony is, NOT ONLY THE ORIGINAL (South Asian edition) COPIES ARE HARD TO FIND! They are bloody overpriced! like 1600 to 2000 of our currency! What happens is, some bookstores (that sell engineering textbooks) obtain a few original copies, make photocopy of those books (horrid ones (and sometimes pages go missing)) and sell those in like 500-600 of our local currency (I’m referencing to Cormen’s book for price standard). They defend their deed saying, “We make engineering books more affordable! Not all students can afford to spend 800-1000 per book”. But the amount of money spent on photocopying from the original copies in uni library, to cross check what the heck is written in those poorly photocopied book is TOO DAMN HIGH! In the end, it costs if not more, then at least as much as what the original books would cost if they were available (in the MRP mentioned in books). Yes, we complete our higher study using piracy. Because our hands are tied. I spent a heck lot of time in thrift stores by the side of streets, browsing for old original copies of textbooks. Sometimes I got lucky. But most of the time, I wasn’t lucky enough and had to bear with those pirated photocopies. I’m not claiming myself a saint. But when it comes the creative people I appreciate and support, I always try to buy their intellectual efforts for what price they put for it. AND THAT INCLUDES THE INCREDIBLE PEOPLE WHO WROTE MY TEXTBOOKS.

And I guess since piracy (when it comes to textbooks) is normalized, we don’t have really strong stance when our consumer rights of getting to purchase premium contents (especially in Google platform (Apple trumped Google in this one. Schorry Google, I love you a lot, and still an android user, but you could not help us in this case, but Apple did.)) is in question.

WHAT THE HELL!

I mean we literally live under a bloody rock!

Last year I screamed like a fvcking baby for being called a drool by one of my favorite yootoobers, because he thought I wanted their premium content FOR FREE when I asked “HOW PEOPLE LIVING IN THE COUNTRIES WHERE NEITHER YOUTUBE RED NOT GOOGLE PLAY STORE PURCHASES ARE FEASIBLE CAN ACCESS THEIR YOUTUBE RED SHOW?”

I’m still bummed about that. Still sad that I was misunderstood and stuff. But I THINK I CANNOT DENY THE FACT THAT IT ALSO DEPENDS ON US! OUR GOVERNMENT IS HOLDING US BACK. AND WE ARE THE BLOODY CONSUMERS, AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SECURE OUR RIGHTS! GAAAAAAH!

No vlogbrothers are going to ask our government to let us purchase Kedi. No Vesauce would come up with logical reasoning for us to purchase Mind Field. No Rhett and Link are going to raise their voice to change the reality that WE CANNOT BUY BUDDY SYSTEM BECAUSE WE ARE BORN IN ONE SUCH COUNTRY.

Because they’ve got like 100 countries covered. They’ll purchase their content and the revenue will be enough for them I guess. And in the end, if not all, then these stuff are significantly about money. And why would they even care.

IT IS OUR THING TO CARE.

IT IS OUR BLOODY CONCERN! UGH!

I know, many of you would say, “Bugger off you filthy cunt! people of your country cannot even afford proper meals three times a day! And here you are trying to access “first world stuff”, okay, if you got enough money to purchase those contents and cannot because there’s no way to do so, WHY DON’T YOU DONATE THAT MONEY TO FEED AN UNDERFED!”

You kinda have reasons to say stuff like that but you know what, IT’S MY BLOODY MONEY! I EARN IT TOILING 45 HOURS PER WEEK! I GET TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT. AND I HAVE EVERY REASON TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF WHEN I AM WILLING TO BUY ANY COMMODITY I WANT, IN A LEGAL WAY BUT THE GOVERNMENT HAS SHUT OFF ALL THE FUCKING LEGAL WAYS!

But my voice won’t do shit. I cannot do things like this on my own. And there’s another problem. MOST PEOPLE WOULD PREFER “accessing pirated versions” and this kinda is how shits work here. And that is why probably they have shut off legal ways to purchase contents. Because, it’s “unnecessary”. Or maybe there are more to it. Like foreign policy and other shizzle.

And since people around us have unofficial “encouragement” regarding pirated contents, they don’t really bother “standing up” for their consumer rights.

So, I guess I’m a lone wolf here.

A very tired omega one.

So, here’s to my failure. This time as a consumer.

But warmest wishes laced with Felix Felicis to Rhett and Link for Buddy System season 2.

P.S.: I am not going to watch this season either. I will have to cross border and be needing an international credit card to get hold of your content. Wait, I guess it’s more complected than that! Would you do that? If you were back in your old life as engineers? Would you risk legal complications to purchase contents from your favorite content creators? Wood you?

Working out my way to nowhere…

Working out is the newest thing I have taken up and about to ruin for myself. Like all the other “seasonal” obsessions I have. Painting, writing, vlogging (and of course blogging)- you name it. HAAH!

Well, I asked for a pantsuit when dad went to China (yes, that’s what I do, like a baby human, ask for things to bring whenever my old man goes abroad) and he got me one, which is kinda not my size. And he spent a fortune on those.

So I decided to “get back to shape”, because pantsuits are quite important to me. And I am not a person who compromises with food. So, the option left was getting my fat, lazy ass on the spinning cycle.

I know, like every other constructive initiatives I take, someday I’m probably going to give this one up as well, even that Steven Pressfield book did not help much.

Sigh!

However, working out supposed to do some adrenaline boost and make me happier and positive. Haven’t been bitten by the positive-ness but yet. I’m feeling more like the Amazing Adrenalini Brother Xian, who thinks he’s the coolest one but gets hurt the worst in the end.

Well, since I know how I am going to mess this shizzle up, now I finally can relax doing something. Working out on spinning cycle is kinda becoming a highlight of my day so far.

The thing I enjoy most about working out, is the crazy conversations I have with myself, and the creative ideas I think about. Of course I find those total bullshit the moment I stop cycling, but while on motion, those ideas seem rather great. I feel like I am going to be some great scriptwriter, novelist, heck! a great programmer (because I feel like I can learn any programming language, even the ones I cannot bring myself to learning/assimilate with when I’m not in “motion”).

Yes, I am a crazy ass moron. A crazy ass moron who is yet to learn functional programming. Who is yet to get back to a friend and tell them that I chickened out when you asked me if I do functional programming or not and I didn’t reply. And my spinning cycle time assured me that I can do that too. I can read those documentations, have enough patience to watch those tutorials AND ACTUALLY THINK FOR A CHANGE!

Yes, I’m already milking on my happy time on the cycle. Surely I’ll give up soon. But at least I managed to document that I will do that. Do I get a YAYY?

Yayy.

(Of course I do, it’s my fucking blog for fuck’s sake!)