I thought about drafting a blog when I was spending delightful time doing number 2. It’s one of the few things that relaxes me (yayy poop humor! I’m literally “full of it”). I had some idea, that includes references (or inspired from) one certain chapter of Rhett & Link’s Book of Mythicality- which is Chapter 10, (Say I Love You Like it’s Never Been Said). The problem is, I F O R G O T what I thought when I was making satisfying and relaxing brown thingies for the sewer system to work on. I must go raw.
Well, you may consider this as my “Generic February Blog” covering Spring and Valentine’s Day. Neither I am a huge fan or expert of (respectively) In my defense regarding the “spring” thing, I am dang allergic, and the allergy queen rules the spring kingdom! GRRR!
And my (lack of experience) is somewhat my creation. Let’s assume (for the sake of context, and save my life) I am a good for dang nothing straight broad with everything a man does NOT wanna deal with. TBH, I generally don’t treat other peoples’ opinions as absolute, but this “opinion” about me from a dude-friend of mine, or you can say was (well, (according to him) I “thought” was) my boyfriend at one dang naive point of my life. That dark and crazy limbo time of switching between vet school to engineering school till the whole freshman year. Dang! It’s kinda self explanatory! A frustrated (almost) college freshman grilled in the burning reality all at once (ah the caustic flames of South Asian “values”, misogyny, and financial trauma).
Oh, did I mention he also said, “You’re a good friend and great human being” while expressing his opinion how unfit I was to be a straight amorous interest? My apologies, for he “sincerely” said that. I don’t hold it against him though. It’s his observation, and he just wanted to “not soil” a friendship that we had before I apparently “stared imagining things that weren’t there”. He’s happily married now and his wife lady managed to give him hope that he lost in a bad breakup before my naive days (ah “teenage dreams“).
The reason why I considered his “opinions” because, my male friends without any awkward amorous tensions have always had similar remarks. Like I am “repulsive” as an amorous interest to “most men” around. Well, apart the creepy and predatory asshats. Generally I don’t regret it. I never had any “fantasy” of “one true love” for myself. My only man-crush IRL (also happily married now), a true gentleman he is, thought I was a dude (even though I changed my gender info in FB, (which I generally keep “male” to fend off the creeps, and boy it works) for me, it’s was HARD! I never feel comfortable as a “female” there, I know where dress and makeups are found, the shitty advertises can suck my imaginary dick!). Even though I literally sat in the next table to his one almost every single day in college.
Seems like I’m cursed/destined with men majoring in Electrical and Electronics Engineering! The first dude ever to approach me for an amorous courtship back in middle school, that “supposed” boyfriend, and pièce de résistance, the IRL man-crush- it can’t be a coincidence anymore, CAN IT (actually the first and last one became classmates in college)?
The ball is on your court dear men who majored in EEE, and are interested in women generally thought to be “good friends”, “great humans”, and “everything a man does not wanna deal with when it comes to being an amorous interest”.
(I know I am nowhere near the point. However, it’s totally fine if you’re bored, and I apologize.)
Yes, Chapter 10 from Book of Mythicality! The chapter is about how you should profess your amorous feelings (do I use the dang word amorous (and dang) way too much? Sorry) to the loved ones in your own creative way, which makes it more mythical, magical and exclusively yours. And NOT about how you would find an amorous partner for the first time when you’re 26, without any previous experience of dating!
That is why, the wonderful chapter had zero utility for me if you consider the principal purpose of that chapter was how to profess your affection.
However, that chapter got me into worrying about something many heated discussions with parents, and/or other relatives could never do. Worrying about the fact that “my time” is running out. These two men found the people they have been in love with, and committed to when they were barely in their twenties. When they went through the bulldozers of engineering school, maintaining a great result (this part seems most fascinating to me, and that might be a giveaway that I’m not okay), and staying in touch with their creative sides. I could barely move, talk, and exist – apart being absorbed in frustration, competition, exhaustion, and giving my best to become a good-enough computer engineer. Guess what, it didn’t work out.
(Can never thank Gregory Brothers enough for being by my side during college days. I guess I never told you Morchael, but your OMG somg was my anthem during the stalling cafeteria times when my man crush was sitting a few feet away from me, musing over his then-girlfriend, who was a gorgeous being)
And here I am now. I cannot even concentrate on any amorous thoughts without being distracted by the fact that I am a failed engineer. And when I concentrate to be a good engineer, I start thinking how bad of a writer I am! And when I think about writing, my mind drifts to the land of despair marked as “how inexperienced I am in love”.
People around me are finding “love” (or amorous relationships) flying left, right, and center. In this time o social networks and internet it’s supposed to be “easier”, right?
To be honest, I don’t even know anymore! I, however, have found another reason why I am such “love handicapped”.
Before you draw any conclusions, I am strictly referring to my conditions. This necessarily does not apply on others. Don’t compare this drool’s life to yours.
Turns out I am unable to love and accept myself for the person I truly am. I am not in peace with myself. Maybe if I did, I probably would at least make myself do better than this loser self that I am now. And even though more of it has to do it with me, I have some blame for the mental illnesses I’ve been suffering from for last 12 years (or maybe more). If I get to love myself more, I might do better, and will probably get by without an amorous companion.
So, again like last year, here’s to me! And my old buddy mental illnesses and inability to do better. Constructive narcissism FTW!