You read it right! I think I don’t know how to be a friend. I lack the fundamentals of being a “friend”.
I actually never thought about it until last year. I always knew I’m an oddball, a “different” kind of person, and if you want to say, then yes, a “weirdo”. I won’t disagree. But I thought that’s who I was, and if people accept me for this me, then there can be nothing wrong between us if we want to be “friends”.
Plain and simple, right?
It started with the YouTubers. And before you draw a conclusion, JUST DON’T! I’m not “intimidated” by the friendships they manifest, it just made me think of things I never thought before. Like the friendship between the “Holy Trinity”, Hannah Hart, Mamrie Hart and Grace Helbig, friendship of Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox, there are more, I can write an entire blog about that. But that’s not the point. However, I was moved by observing the friendship between Rhett McLaughlin and Link Neal. Yes, they I think so far the biggest influences in my life right now, the way Gregory Bros were during my college days. And also there was the friendship between Allison Raskin and Gaby Dunn. Aaand then this tweet thread just cracked me up. I DON’T HAVE THIS! MOST OF THESE! (Or maybe any of these)!
And observing their friendship, I first noticed that I DON’T FIGHT with my friends. Sounds weird right? How come that be a concern. Let me be more specific, I realized I don’t fight with:
- Lady friends whom I knew since I was a kid (well at least pre-teen)
- Dude friends of my age whom I get to know after college and have a great friendship with (well I’ve got quite emotional dependency on them)
- Lady friends whom I knew from college
In some cases, it’s likely that I’ve got to know these people only for a few years, and so far we’ve got many things common between us, hence, we didn’t have any reason to get into a fight/conflict.
BUT, IN SOME CASES THERE WERE NOT!
I had every reasons to be mad at people and start a fight, and sometimes they did the same. There were conflicts, there were bad blood. But those stuff would always elude me, in span of a few minutes to days. I forgot whatever happened.
UNTIL A FEW WEEKS LATER. And I could not even bring those up and start a fight.
Does any of these sound “weird” to you? It does to me. Especially after seeing two men in late thirties fight like kids and making up ON SCREEN when they’re doing a show, and it’s NOT FOR COMIC RELIEF, it dawned on me. Am I missing something? Like a very basic human skill that people pick up without even trying?
And slowly this tiny snowball started gaining momentum. And now I feel like I’m going to get an ice coffin. Sigh! I think this inability to withstand/identify conflicts has costed me some friendships. I am already living a doomed life, I get scared all the time, the untreated mental struggles aren’t leaving me alone either. I think I am in a worse hell than I was in a few months ago. This realization is doing me no good.
However, I should also note, even though I am losing grip on many friendships I thought would last the way it bloomed, as an oddball, I’ve got a few oddball friends. We’ve got many things common between us, we laugh together, we fight, we have our agreements and disagreements, but we are there for each other, and funny thing is, none of us are of same age, we’ve got different majors, different careers, different kinds of personal lives/relationship situations- like everything is DIFFERENT among us. But we’re like a weird pack of wolves who manages to stick together. Now that I think of it, I think this oddball friendship, where I can ease myself, without worrying to hurt it and stuff, has subconsciously made me question whether my other friendships are okay or not.
Oh, also, I didn’t mention the other kinds of friendships, like the ones with my bros (guy friends I knew forever), well, I’m not ashamed to admit but, sometimes I can be quite a “basic bro”-ish human, and I think that kept our friendships alive and going just like they were when we were ten years olds. We can’t appear “awkward” in front of each-other even if we try. It’s just we’re so far away from each other, in geographical and time zone manner, we grew apart. We still fight, from fistfight or epic swear battles. I think some friendships don’t grow up even if we do.
Did I went way far away from my point? If I did, then let me state it again. I think I am incapable of being a friend to some extent. And it is NOT something to be okay with. Now that “real life” has began, and I’ve got more scary challenges ahead. Also, I’m turning into a one man bloody army. A weak one.
I think I’m never going to get a friend to sing the BFF song with. 😦
On scale of 1 to 99, how pathetic am I?