Perils of being a closeted attention seeker/Notice me Senpai!!!

Are you someone who normally don’t like attention from people (both in real & digital life) and there are times you crave to be noticed (by certain people(mostly who don’t really know you))? Then we need to meet, hug, and talk.

I mostly hate attention. It freaks me out. But there are times I would go beyond my ethical and moral limits to communicate with people, especially who are not interested in communicating with me. Just like I am feeling right now.

Generally I tweet some of the people (mostly youtubers, artists, and writers) I am huge fan of when I’m feeling like this. And repeatedly check my tweet analytics for a hint if anyone clicked on my tweet or not. It sounds lame and pathetic but that’s what I do.

However, today, to alleviate the pain of this feeling and the subsequent action, I am going to try to figure out WHY ON EARTH I DO THIS! I guess I found something out, while I was writing the previous paragraph and thought would write about that here, but I forgot what it was. I’ll write that down when I remember.

The first logical thing I can think of (w/r to me, not necessarily relevant to others) is, I’m totally not in peace with myself. I mean I am not satisfied with whatever achievement I have, I should have done more (and actually do some coding and not write this bloody blog and crave attention from people who don’t know me). This directly affects my amorous disposition. I’m somewhat incapable of feeling “luuuurv”. I’m often not attracted to people, like most of my peers are. Because mostly I HATE MYSELF TOO MUCH TO LIKE ANYONE ELSE! But sometimes I find tiny specks of reasons to be happy for myself, I allow to love myself a little. In those teensy moments I believe I have reasons to be appreciated, reasons to be attracted to others and have a sudden surge of hope that others (people I appreciate) would find some reason to appreciate my existence as well. Which is totally a stupid thing to think, but I do think that.

The other thing I was thinking, I crave attention when I don’t find interest in doing ANYTHING. ANYTHING includes stuff like reading fanfics, binge watching youtube videos and talking to friends on fayboo. I didn’t even dare including the things I NEED TO DO. Like prepping for GRE, doing some warm ups on HackerRank and so forth. I think I feel so low that I am daft enough for begging some attention from people who have no reason to give me any.

Yup! I remembered! Impostor complex! I often feel like I’m not just a minuscule being who isn’t achieving enough, also whatever shit I’ve seemingly “achieved” I don’t deserve those. To run away from those thoughts I also try to do other “impossible” and stupid things like asking for attention from people who don’t have any reason for giving that. I know it’s bloody pathetic. But if you’re familiar with my blogs, or with patience have read this far, know I totally am. I’m due to pray and workout and SLEEP. And this is what I am doing. If that’s not pathetic I don’t know what is!

GAAAAAAAAAAH!

What if, this blog was another passive-aggressive plea to the senpai people for noticing me?
Maybe it is!
Maybe I am the evil catdogmousehooman whom the world is afraid of.

Bleh.

Advertisements

Working out my way to nowhere…

Working out is the newest thing I have taken up and about to ruin for myself. Like all the other “seasonal” obsessions I have. Painting, writing, vlogging (and of course blogging)- you name it. HAAH!

Well, I asked for a pantsuit when dad went to China (yes, that’s what I do, like a baby human, ask for things to bring whenever my old man goes abroad) and he got me one, which is kinda not my size. And he spent a fortune on those.

So I decided to “get back to shape”, because pantsuits are quite important to me. And I am not a person who compromises with food. So, the option left was getting my fat, lazy ass on the spinning cycle.

I know, like every other constructive initiatives I take, someday I’m probably going to give this one up as well, even that Steven Pressfield book did not help much.

Sigh!

However, working out supposed to do some adrenaline boost and make me happier and positive. Haven’t been bitten by the positive-ness but yet. I’m feeling more like the Amazing Adrenalini Brother Xian, who thinks he’s the coolest one but gets hurt the worst in the end.

Well, since I know how I am going to mess this shizzle up, now I finally can relax doing something. Working out on spinning cycle is kinda becoming a highlight of my day so far.

The thing I enjoy most about working out, is the crazy conversations I have with myself, and the creative ideas I think about. Of course I find those total bullshit the moment I stop cycling, but while on motion, those ideas seem rather great. I feel like I am going to be some great scriptwriter, novelist, heck! a great programmer (because I feel like I can learn any programming language, even the ones I cannot bring myself to learning/assimilate with when I’m not in “motion”).

Yes, I am a crazy ass moron. A crazy ass moron who is yet to learn functional programming. Who is yet to get back to a friend and tell them that I chickened out when you asked me if I do functional programming or not and I didn’t reply. And my spinning cycle time assured me that I can do that too. I can read those documentations, have enough patience to watch those tutorials AND ACTUALLY THINK FOR A CHANGE!

Yes, I’m already milking on my happy time on the cycle. Surely I’ll give up soon. But at least I managed to document that I will do that. Do I get a YAYY?

Yayy.

(Of course I do, it’s my fucking blog for fuck’s sake!)

Y me nuu blog?

Even I hate the title. And that is why it is the title I chose (or maybe the title chose me, because memes.)

Well, I don’t blog because for a while people around me aren’t vocally threatening my existence as the person I am (for a change (I made it through a family dinner without being bruised by shits that come out of their mouth (thanks to those dry plain naans and kebab like chicken cubes- they were having a hard time chewing those beauties))).

I don’t blog because I’m tired, lazy and spending too much time in fayboo for a change.

I don’t blog because I’m a useless piece of shit.

I don’t blog because I’m more obsessed with twitter than I ever was before (nope, that’s a lie, I’m always obsessed with twitter).

I don’t blog because I’m watching too many foreign language movies these days.

I don’t blog because I don’t blog.

I don’t blog and I am not vlogging for more than a month now.

I don’t blog because I’m a serial procrastinator. I procrastinate because I enjoy it. I procrastinate because my inner resistance is even more afraid than it ever was after reading a few chapters of Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art.

I don’t blog anymore.

And I don’t like it.

So, here I am blogging about not blogging and maybe I won’t be back unless my butt is under fire for some reason. But hey, I always enjoy when I blog. It is my favorite form of ranting. Yes, even more than vlogging. I love to articulate my rants this way. Makes me feel good. Better than the Gorillaz song.

Or maybe I’m gonna write another blog tonight and then will wait for my ass to be on fire.

Haha?
Haha.