Spoiler from the future: I’m still alive!
I must be really desperate to blog like this. I was getting ready for work, but I just could NOT.
The overwhelming urge of “not existing” is making me confused. I am angry, sad and perplexed. I just want to stop existing right now. I am so mad!
Granted that I have limitations. Granted that I am a huge procrastinator and deserve nothing good. But you must know, I am not okay. I cannot bring myself to do things because I am so winded up and I honestly don’t know how to unwind myself.
I probably deserve stuff like these. I probably deserve hurtful “tough love” from my parents the moment I wake up (late, because I cannot sleep at night). I probably don’t deserve a positive environment that will help me to have believe in myself and not think of impending failure before trying something big and drastic. I probably don’t deserve any of those.
So what can I do? I think I can do a heck lot of things other than crying like a water fountain and blogging about it. But that is what I am doing right now. Even penning down a suicide note would be more productive. Because I feel very strongly to kill myself.
I might as well kill myself, if I cannot defend my rights, if I cannot defend my dignity and if I cannot work hard enough to achieve things that I want to achieve. Because if I can’t DO WHAT I WANT TO DO, I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EXIST. And being emotionally shattered and all the mental health issues are NO EXCUSES. I was not born with such privileges. Mental healthcare is NOT something that I was ever entitled to. Most women from my country are not. They are achieving what they want. And I am lagging behind. I better stop existing.
I’m not sad because nobody hears my voice. I have accepted that a long ago that my voice does not deserve to be heard. BUT I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I DID NOTHING FRUITFUL TO CHANGE IT.
I’m going to work. But I don’t hope to come back. I don’t hope to accomplish my goals. I don’t hope to exist.
I could not do the things I wanted to do.
I could do nothing.
I am a failure. And I will take the blame with me.