Parting Words (or are they?)

Spoiler from the future: I’m still alive!

I must be really desperate to blog like this. I was getting ready for work, but I just could NOT.

The overwhelming urge of “not existing” is making me confused. I am angry, sad and perplexed. I just want to stop existing right now. I am so mad!

Granted that I have limitations. Granted that I am a huge procrastinator and deserve nothing good. But you must know, I am not okay. I cannot bring myself to do things because I am so winded up and I honestly don’t know how to unwind myself.

I probably deserve stuff like these. I probably deserve hurtful “tough love” from my parents the moment I wake up (late, because I cannot sleep at night). I probably don’t deserve a positive environment that will help me to have believe in myself and not think of impending failure before trying something big and drastic. I probably don’t deserve any of those.

So what can I do? I think I can do a heck lot of things other than crying like a water fountain and blogging about it. But that is what I am doing right now. Even penning down a suicide note would be more productive. Because I feel very strongly to kill myself.

I might as well kill myself, if I cannot defend my rights, if I cannot defend my dignity and if I cannot work hard enough to achieve things  that I want to achieve. Because if I can’t DO WHAT I WANT TO DO, I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EXIST. And being emotionally shattered and all the mental health issues are NO EXCUSES. I was not born with such privileges. Mental healthcare is NOT something that I was ever entitled to. Most women from my country are not. They are achieving what they want. And I am lagging behind. I better stop existing.

I’m not sad because nobody hears my voice. I have accepted that a long ago that my voice does not deserve to be heard. BUT I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I DID NOTHING FRUITFUL TO CHANGE IT.

I concede.

I’m going to work. But I don’t hope to come back. I don’t hope to accomplish my goals. I don’t hope to exist.

I could not do the things I wanted to do.

I could do nothing.

I am a failure. And I will take the blame with me.



One comment

  1. Mindfump · February 1, 2017

    These feels are real I am sure, the feel deep and true. That I am also sure, but that does not make them in true in anyway. You will feel it and see it one day, so at least wait until that day. Because right now you have a very unfairly biased view of the world because of your mental health – which is not true. Wait it out and you will see better days. I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

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