Update from future: I still wish things would go any bloody better! AAAARGGHHH!
My fears finally drilled through my month-long writers block. The el toro blanco is finally subdued by overpowering fear of something uncertain.
Last few days I was sickeningly content, so bloody content that I had no motivation to write (especially an overdue article -_- (Hello procrastination, my old bloody enemy!)), was happily skipping through social networking, flipping through pages of novels, ignoring the pressure of an upcoming public service recruitment test that’s gonna take place within 3 days.
And today I was struck by thunderbolt.
My father lost two of his friends. One was found dead in his bathroom and the other was feeling unwell, taken to hospital and doctors discovered he’s no more. Two friends in a single day.
That brought my old demon back to life, face to face with me. I’ve started worrying for my dad’s emotional and physical well being. And it’s always too overwhelming for me. I’m already struggling to keep tears from falling.
Angry tears. The kind that also affects your throat. My throat hurts from rage and fury, for not being able to protect my dad from this sadness and sense of vulnerability. I’m supposed to be taking his responsibilities, and here I am, loitering around, trying to be creative and not earning enough to support my family.
I wish there was a restart button. I’d go back to my graduation and start over. I hate the slob I have become, but I cannot find a way to change!
Heck! I cannot find a way to sleep at night and wake up in the morning.
Because I spend my nights worrying. AND DOING NOTHING BECAUSE I TURN INTO AN UNPRODUCTIVE FILTH WHEN I WORRY!
I’m sorry baba, I wish I was a better person. I want to fight the demons that are threatening you, but I am totally outmatched in that art of war!
BUT I WILL FIGHT! TO THE END!
I’ve noted a few seemingly impossible goals of mine before. Like Alice did. Every single day.
I’ll slay the Jabberwocky for you dad. I AM YOUR CHAMPION.
Maybe not the one you deserve. But I am here.