Scattered Thoughts and Periodic Depression/Let’s Focus on “NOT ME”

Update: Dad’s “chest pain” turned into cardiac attack this year. Thanks to the graces of Almighty he survived. But the fear has won this round big times. I’m the Ronda Rousey to this Holly Holm disguised as fear!

I wrote that title probably 3 hours prior to writing the contents. AND BOY I TELL YA I AM REALLY NOT FEELING LIKE WRITING ANYTHING NOW!

But I have committed myself to it and I will write a blog each day as I promised. I also stated before that I will write about my sudden fear attacks whenever I will feel it. So, LET’S BLOODY TALK ABOUT THAT X_X

I am scared, AGAIN. The thing started with a premonition that I had in late afternoon. Followed by learning that my dad had a little chest pain around afternoon while he was resting (today is a public holiday here), probably due to acidity and took an omeprazole tablet in the evening. BUT RIGHT AFTER LEARNING THAT MY HEAD WENT CRAZY. I tried to avoid the thoughts and to distract myself randomly binge watched some old GMM videos. But it didn’t help much either. The fear would come back, with an occasional guilt that I am enjoying funny video while my dad is in pain. The surge of bad to worse cases are marching towards my brain and attacking it like a pack of wolves upon a sheep. And I am in a very miserable place right now. I don’t know how to get out of it like I never know, until next morning (well it is 2:41 am here now) and probably will go back to bed by 5:30 am and will wake up around 1:00 pm. A bad routine, I KNOW, but it has become a part of my life. Because I’m scared of something every night, if it’s not my dad’s physical condition, then it is about not getting the dream job, or achieving the skills I wanted to or for not having enough creativity. I am unable to control my fears and emotions when nobody is watching. And I can’t open up about it to anyone because people (especially family) think that I am making it up. I talked about it before. I am a pathetic, jealous, stupid, lazy procrastinator who does not do anything other than complaining. And I cannot break the cycle because I am too scared to do something drastic and break a habit. Because a twisted part of my brain says THIS HABITS ARE NECESSARY IF YOU DON’T WANT WORSE THINGS TO HAPPEN X_X

I think that was the “Periodic Thoughts” part of the title.

AND THAT BRINGS US TO THE NEXT PART OF TITLE. Focusing on “NOT ME”. I started this blog to write about stuff, but all did so far was whining about my unsuccessful sad sad life. I’m always highlighting myself too much. And I believe the reason behind it is: I DON’T APPRECIATE THE PERSON I AM RIGHT NOW. I HATE THIS FREAK. That is why I cannot focus on the finer things or anything else that is happening around and need to be mentioned. It is a weakness that I am ashamed of BIG TIMES. And I profusely apologize for that.

I wish I could find a way out of this shit. Can anyone suggest any help?



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