Well isn’t that a question that is being asked by at least hundreds of human beings at this very bloody moment?
When I say love, even I’m not sure what the heck I’m talking about. Is it romantic love? Love and respect from family and friends? Love of general people (or in honest words, FAME), or a less than judgmental look from that five legged spider couple who are making sweet love under the washbasin when I’m taking a dump IN MY DREAM.
I’m not sure which one I’m longing for. I technically never dated a human, lady or man. Nada. And I have no regrets. I don’t know why. I’ve only felt REAL emotional-physical attraction, in other words known as “crush” towards an individual ONCE! It was in college and I could never talk to that person until our graduation night and I think we spoke like two sentences. Well, in my defense, that person was in a relationship when I had that enormous crush, though later the relationship did not work out and currently that person isn’t in any (romantic) relationship. BUT SOMEHOW I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE. The whole surge of emotions subsided, along with the physical attraction I felt. I will have to say, that person is still very attractive and is a nice human being. And we are friends now (well I’ll use the word “friends” loosely) but those agonies of longing ARE OVER! Now I think that person was a muse to me, more like a creative inspiration, a notion of something that I cannot have but desire reverently. I think I have found other creative inspirations (not necessarily humans) and other kind of creative urges, or probably have lost my creative voice, so I’ve stopped feeling the need for that person. You can call me selfish and weird creep. I won’t argue, BECAUSE I THINK THE SAME.
In regard of family, those who love me, love me, those who can’t, don’t. I’m totally okay with the whole thing. Given I was one of the first kids of our generation, I was always subjected to a lot of scrutiny and sarcasms. I think I have learned to live with it. I think that is why I cannot take complements, and sometimes lack of harsh remarks or sarcasm regarding my actions (that result in success) makes me doubt the accuracy of my craft. Thank you family. You have given me one of the best gifts a person deserves!
I have a lot of friends and a very few friends at the same time. I’m discrete but friendly, so I somehow make “friends” with lot of people but I hardly interact with them in personal level. That doesn’t mean I am insensitive or rude, I’m nice and I mean it. I just don’t delve deep generally. BUT I HAVE A PACK OF FRIENDS, WHO ARE LIKE MY HORCRUXES. We are like siblings from different families. I think I receive and reciprocate a stream of pure love with them. In this sad sad life of mine, they are my beam of happiness. They will call on my bullshit if I’m off-track, BUT THEY WILL HAVE MY BACK AND BOLESTAR THIS SAD CARCASS THAT ONCE WAS ME WITH LIFE FORCE WHEN I RUN OUT OF IT.
And I’m a very private person. If someone pops out of blue and tell me that they appreciate me for being the person I am and doing something that I did , I would be genuinely scare. BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY FOR OTHERS TO LEARN ABOUT MY WEIRD ACTIVITIES (or do I even “do” anything meaningful ever?).
However, I am still not sure if I want to be loved by others. Because I can’t decide how much I love myself, I mean THIS version of me. Sometimes I think I do love myself, I mean enough to let others love me for the person I am. But the rest of the time I think I should make out with a dementor for procrastinating like a stupid humanoid.
Sigh, I wanted to talk about love and ended up commenting about my lazy lifestyle and lack of discipline! Everything I do now ends up here. I think I should go back to the question, WHERE IS MY FUCKING SANITY?
Don’t forget to be awesome you wonderful people, just because I’m struggling hard to be one. \m/