Well, here I am. To lament about something I don’t know yet. I was intending to write about something. Something related to my constant companion, who goes by the name of “fear”.
Fear is a very general term to describe my companion. It is the fear of things happening to me or my family that I can’t help imagining. Things that would happen if I don’t do things I think I should be doing and if I do things I should not be doing.
I know the whole thing sounds confusing and weird. But believe me, IT FUCKING ISN’T.
In the beginning, I tried to ignore it. I was rewarded with coincidental bad buzzes that scarred me for life and tattooed the “fear” to my brain.
Then I decided to give in. I’ve stopped doing a heck lot of things I enjoyed, I’ve started doing strange things that might not appear very bizarre, because they are pretty normal. but doing those in a ritualistic way feels quite weird and unnatural.
The problem is, this didn’t make bad things stop happening, it’s just I feel less guilty when they happen.
BUT EVEN I KNOW THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT BLOODY THING TO DO!
The whole thing is affecting me in a bad way. I’ve been like this for last 3 to 4 years. And it’s never getting any better. So in the end, I decided to live with it, but not focusing on it. Which is definitely hypocritical. Because I am doing exactly the same thing, just without admitting that I’m doing it. And it’s something I just can’t get rid of. I wanted to take some professional help, which costs both money and more of my very limited amount of peace of mind, because my family believe that it is just an elaborate act of mine to avoid the “responsibilities of grown-up life”. I think I will be stuck in this vicious cycle until my head explodes.
SO I DECIDED, IF THAT’S WHAT GONNA HAPPEN, THEN AT LEAST I WON’T BE SILENT ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
So, from now on I express. I scream my fears out from this secret (really? who am I kidding?) window, I write about it. Whenever I find those fears gnawing under my cerebral cortex (probably not the right term, I am not good at biology, but good enough to know when I am wrong), I (will be) write(ing) about it. At least some people will know it WAS NOT AN ACT. People will know I wasn’t lying when I said I was scared. When I started panicking or decided to go to sleep in middle of a busy day because I was overpowered by the fear and had no other ways to shut off my bloody brain.
I really a bloody switch to shut my brain off when I need. Or at least the chance to scream this as loud as I can!