Starting Over/Before I Kill Myself

It’s been a while since I was active. I mean I was active only for a minuscule time. I’ve been procrastinating long and hard for *insert excuses here* and also due to *insert more excuses here* .

At the same time I thought I was doing things that will bring me out of my bloody depressions and anxieties that are eating me from inside out. But it is hardly working. I was unemployed and a total bedroom bound slob from February 2014 to May 2015 after finishing engineering undergrad. Then from May 2015 to March 2016 I was an unemployed MBA student. All these times, I thought, getting a job will put me out of my misery.But it certainly did not.

Maybe because I am too baffled and lazy to do the “right thing” to get what I really want. But it took me forever (including this current moment) to find out what I really want.

I’ll just list a few things here to decide. Before I list things, I want to say, this is another of my failed (well it’s not failed yet so far, it’s just the beginning) attempts to get my feces together and work hard to achieve at least one of the few things listed. I know age is just a number, [and no matter how hard my south Asian stereotypical parents pressurize me to succumb to their “educated yet “practical” and relevant” values, I will not back out and rather kill myself (this is a true plan, I love my parents and family, but they have made a part of me suicidal and I am prepared for it if things don’t work out)], the competition in every bloody field is getting higher. Every new idea I have is already materialized by someone else or someone else is doing way better than me, bottom line: I must be better or at least have an edge at what I am good at to survive.

So here I am listing a few things (not necessarily in order) that I want to accomplish:

  1. Want to complete an MSc in Computer Science and Engineering abroad or an MA in Media Sciences abroad
  2. Become a researcher
  3. Become a published writer who gets paid for her work, enough to survive (economically as well as the family trauma)
  4. Become a You Tube partner ( I have some ideas, I want to work on those)
  5. Learn graphic designing (or at least decent photoshop and illustrator skills, my procrastinating self and me are at constant war, and I lose every bloody time) and use it for money making purposes
  6. Live ANYWHERE else but my country, not as a spouse of someone else but on my own, earning my own bloody keep
  7. Have a PhD and work as a researcher (well that’s just a redundancy of #1 and#2, but a hope is a hope)
  8. Become a paid bloody university teacher


There. I just made my wishlist. There is another thing I want to accomplish. I want to write blog every day from now on. This is going to be my online bloody journal. But a public one. A procrastinating, suicidal, lazy dreamer does not deserve any bloody better.

Enough self loathing. Let’s appreciate something cheerful. I am a new mythical beast. In other words I (finally) discovered Rhett and Link and their awesome daily talk show Good Mythical Morning, and their social network pages, namely Facebook, Twitter and Instagram page (I’m not frequent in other social network/media stuff, too much to handle for a devout procrastinator).  The duo and their incredible crew regularly hold fan contests in the social network pages. I somehow participated in one, where they asked to make fans (or Mythical Beasts, what can be a better name for fans of the show?) tiger faces. So I donned my tiger jersey of ICC 2015 World Cup and unearthed my old digital camera after some 5 or 6 months and snapped a growling tiger face (believe me I was literally growling). Since I have very questionable photoshop skills (or lack thereof) I drew some lines on that snap with Microsoft Paint and posted the photo in facebook contest. I was really shocked to find out I was selected as one of the tigers with prominent “Tigering  skills”, like quicksilver, I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING! (Though at the same night I got a reply from one of the foreign institutions I applied, they offered me a seat if only I could pay the whole tuition of a semester by next 2 days, where one of the days is bank holiday in our country, so it didn’t work, and left me pretty bummed nevertheless). Honestly, the tiger thing was a nice breeze of happiness in my sad, monotonous, procrastinating life- that I want to escape every single bloody day. Like they say in the weird “motivational posts” with texts over pictures of beach or hills saying, “appreciate the small things in life”, “be happy for everything that makes you smile” (what?) yadda yadda.

I think I just wrote a few days worth of stuff (well, na-ah, I am a pathological long write, I can’t write less). I MUST come back tomorrow and write (or whine) about something else. Until then, DFTBA \m/


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