I was committed to writing one blog per day. But I think starting over after a long bloody time resulted into an overflowing desire to write till I exhaust myself and knock my head to wall. So here I am, writing things without thinking beforehand. It’s more like one of those series of annoying status updates that whiny people in facebook post, who don’t do anything change the way of their lives and keep on complaining about how depressing life has become. As I have made it clear, I am one of those pathetic human beings who knows nothing better than complaining and considers self loathing as a hobby along with sleeping, being jealous of successful friends and blaming others for own mistakes.
I think I have painted the picture. So, what can I talk about?
Organize your thoughts Rhombus! ORGANIZE!
The only thing that’s resonating in my brain (or lack thereof) is writing. I want to talk about (or write about) writing. That’s all I’ve ever got. Writing is close to the surviving skill I possess. I wish I knew how to make a (pretty decent) living doing it. Because it’s clearly quite uncanny. I am an engineer (well at least I was graduated as one), according to most of my peers, I have no business in this side of work (I mean writing). I’ve spent the last two years figuring out how can I become a writer and an engineer or in other way, combining two realms and making a living out of it.
I couldn’t figure it out. In process, sadly, my skills in the field of study got rusty, which was the most depressing part of my life. It is always hard for me to admit that I cannot solve a problem I am asked to. It depresses me, makes me feel small and ashamed. I question my credibility. Because I could solve problems like this once. And I have lost my skills.
I tried to trace the reason behind my inability to stay sound in my skills.The biggest problem behind it is my personality. From elementary grade, I studied in an army ran school, I studied there until I completed high school. So I was always used to systematic discipline. At the same time I was very disciplined myself. I could never dream of putting off a homework , even a day. If I was given a task at home, the first thing on that evening would be completing it, no matter when the deadline is. The habit continued till undergrad. My undergrad university wasn’t an army run uni (obviously!). For the first time, I felt the shock of “not having “enough” disciplines”, which pretty much baffled me. Also, engineering schools do strange things to people. I’ll talk about it another day. However, the shock changed my always uptight (regarding homeworks/assignments) self to a procrastinating one. But since I was subconsciously a disciplined person, the procrastinating aura could not kill or overpower me and allowed me to be a regular student who loved what she learned at college. But the battle was on. So, when I graduated (and was looking for job), there were not enough “obligations” for me to practice. Because my “self motivation” is as good as a storm trooper’s shooting skill (pew pew pew). That persisted and only got worse. When I missed first few job offers, depression totally killed my subconscious disciplined self and my life became a constant case of jeopardy. I badly want to get over it. Because I know when I can solve programming problems or able to tackle questions regarding my field, I feel very good, it boosts my creative side and makes me write better.
NOT THAT I DON’T WRITE BETTER WHEN I AM SAD!
I lament when I am not happy. Sometimes it turn into something nice (to others of course, my writing could hardly satisfy me -_-). If things were better, and I could actually make a living out of writing, I would deliberately throw myself under the wagon to feel miserable and write something good. The problem is, I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE A DECENT LIVING OUT OF WRITING! My resume is strange. It has a computer science degree, an ongoing MBA degree and next to that, job experience as content writer for media cell of conferences or private firms. I’m pretty sure it baffles most people (who probably need my help) and they run away. I wish people knew, I wish people knew I can write to entice other, if you want to be sad, I can make you feel bad by writing stuff, if you want to be happy I can do that too. If you want to entice someone, leave me the task of writing something that would do the job. I am your writebot people. Why can’t you reach out for me? Or at least tell me how can I help you when you need it (for a price of course :3 ).
Also, I want to write and simplify things that otherwise seem complicated in the computer science textbooks. For very novice people mainly. The only thing standing between those well written simplified descriptions of topics and me is the “disciplinary regulations” that would compel me to finish writing.
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME 😥