Noting the Stories of Another Land/Dream Journal

Since I’ve been thinking of dreams and imaginations a lot these days, I’ve decided to keep a dream journal from now on. I don’t know what else gonna come up, but I am definitely going to share the more interesting stuff with all.

The concept of lucid dreaming is finally enticing me. So I’ve decided to give it a shot in near future. But before that, I need to get in practice for some dream recording disciplines. So, this is my first step.

My blogs are shorter than a leprechaun’s pinky these days. The reason is, I’m still due a blog about a real deal, and I’m piling all the information and sleeping like a bear all day long. I hate myself for that, I just wish I could become an early bird like normal human beings. Help me out please, would ya?

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The Book I Have Lost and Never Found

(Since I’m on the 2nd day of my precious procrastinating streak, I’ll just try something different!)

I’ll just write about the books I’ve lost and never found, not even a copy in any bookstores. They’ve just vanished.

Of course, those colorful books from Soviet Raduga publications would be the first on list. Well they have been for a long time. Unless some individuals with really kind heart have unearthed their copies, scanned and uploaded them in a site. Well it’s not technically illegal. Also, they are only in our native language, Bengali. So now I have full access to those portals of childhood.

The current topper of that list is an old fairy tale book my aunt gave me on my 7th birthday. It was called “Thakurmar Jhuli” (Granny’s bag of fairy tales). Supposedly books of that title contains native fairy tales where princes save damsels in distress from evil witches.

BUT THIS ONE WAS DIFFERENT.

It was actually Brother Grim’s fairy tales written in our Bengali cultural background.

Hansel and Gretel became “Hashu and Chhana” – two sibling left in the woods by their family and captured by a witch in gingerbread house (though it wasn’t gingerbread, but a house made of a local dessert called “shondesh”)

Then we had Snow White and Red Rose who became “Borfi and Golapi” – Borfi meant white as snow and Golapi meant pink.

Rapunzel was called “Keshoboti” – the girl with long luscious hair.

The Gingerbread Man was “Pitha Pooli” – one kind of local cake we eat made from flour, oil and sugar.

The esteemed Town musicians of Bremen became “Gobbu gnayer gayok dol” or a band of musicians from the village Gobbu.

But the most favorite of mine was “Kujo ghora” , which was adapted from a Russian tale “The Humpbacked Horse”.

Oh how I wish to get the book in any bookstore around the world! If someone can find it. PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW!

Procrastination/Last minute job

I was supposed to write a blog as I do everyday. But today I’m procrastinating. I finally reached the bottom of the pit!

THIS IS THE WORST BIT OF ME!

But there is a good sign. From now on, anything else I do is an improvement!

I’m going to write a better blog in a few hours. There will be two blogs tomorrow!

Yayy!

(bugger off you lazy pile of shite -_-)

My WEIRDEST Dream/Flying Polymer

Just FYI, THIS IS NOT ABOUT LUCID DREAMING.

This is about my dreams. Things I commonly have in my dreams and weird things related to it.

Mostly I dream about being chased. From five legged spiders to bad guys in black ninja masks, someone is always chasing me! Often I gain superhuman strength (well, relatively, I am not really VERY STRONG person (and I’m a smol person too)). So, basically most of my dreams are just another cat and mouse run. I can’t recall any that they are not. And most of them takes place in my old house, that I mentioned earlier.

Sometimes the location is different, but that’s always temporary. Like that one time, I dreamed I am a hired bodyguard for someone I never saw (I literally never saw my principal(the person I’m supposed to protect) in the dream, that person was faceless). And I was in a studio apartment, always scanning people on the street. There was a distinct table with red and white striped umbrella downstairs. And my friend would have tea there every morning (I don’t know from here she comes). One day I go downstairs, AND KATANA FIGHT ENSUES! The other day, I dreamed about being hunted by bad guys and in the end me and another friend took shelter in the old house where I used to live. But the bad guys found us there and they managed to shoot my friend with poison dart in head. His head dropped on my lap and I could see another dart directed to me. I ducked my head and that’s all I remember.

But the WEIRDEST DREAM award should be given to this :

It started very normal. The timeline was probably during my 12th grade. I was taking physics tuition in an old building with few other friends. Our teacher was warning us about a weird “thing” that was instantly putting people in catatonic state. It was like a big black flying polymer like thing. The tuition was dismissed early so we can go home before it gets dark. So, I was waiting for a bus, and I met a friend (well I didn’t know him then, we met at least five years later). Before we could even start talking, I saw something black looming from behind. And I screamed hard. Grabbed him by wrist and started running (it should have been otherwise, he is way thinner and at the same time taller than me, but I think the dream me was in charge(like I always like to be)). At one point he couldn’t run anymore and that flying polymer attacked him, and I tried to fight that thing with my backpack, well, my precious backpack turned into a lumpy polymer junk in a few seconds, and it grabbed him by back!
And he was turning into a black slippery polymer statue (the way it happens in sci-fi movies) and I was screaming and crying for help. Though nobody seemed to notice, as if we were invisible. I don’t know what occurred to me, BUT I GRABBED HIM BY HEAD AND STARTED MAKING OUT VIGOROUSLY!
AND IT WORKED!
(So, the flying polymer is scared of awkwardness)

Like all the “knights in shining armor: modern edition” in movies, I instantly turned into a “Flying polymer” slayer and started running round the streets for no reason. Actually I managed to entice his/her highness flying polymer and I was the target since then -_-. And I met that friend couple of times and had to “save him” -_-
(Dear weirdest dream, next time present yourself with some more logical facts! Like if the polymer slayer was the new target, shouldn’t she’s supposed to be “saved”?)
Till this day I am not sure, was it my subconscious sexual frustration that I never went to any bases with anyone or was it lack of proper zombie movies in my life that made me dream of such weird stuff!
I mean IT WOULD BE ROMANTIC FOR REAL, IF THE PERSON I “SAVED” REPEATEDLY WAS MY (then) CRUSH!
Because, the whole making out thing was so fvcking real! It sounds really perverted, but I think that is how real making out works! GAAAH! I think I know the taste of his oral odor (yes, that GROSS AND REAL! (Mostly Benson & Hedges cigarette, that I saw him smoking))
In a way, that dream left me scarred. For a while I was quite uncomfortable around that friend of mine (even virtually), even I unfollowed him in facebook! (Like it’s a fvcking big deal!).

Sorry mate!

And if you have put your patience in ultimate test by deciding to read this blog up to this point, thank Rhett and Link as well. -_-

The idea of today’s blog came from this video :3

Well, I think I better look up for the shreds of sanity and self respect (was that appropriate?) left scattered in the universe, while you people finally close the tab.

DFTBA \m/

More Laments/Sad Saturdays

I ran out of things to write about. What’s the best thing to write about when you don’t have anything else to write about? I think it’s a tie between a) writing more about how you cannot find enough time to write about things and  b) random thoughts that cross your mind.

I choose b.

The first thing I could think of is, how unsuccessful and left behind I am from my peers in college. And I’m feeling an enormous bloody guilt about it. People who were better than me are skyrocketing, I have no problem with that. BUT PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT, their success gives me a bummer. Yes, I am being honest. My jealous little bean of a soul is burning with guilt and agony for procrastinating. For letting my skills and talents go and not working hard enough. Also for going far away from the organized and discipline person I was. And I find it infuriating that THERE IS NO GOING BACK. There is no restart button for it. I have to bear my failure ALL MY LIFE. In an honest way, I’m at least 3 years behind. I am 3 years unsuccessful in my own bloody standards. I am a total failure. I cannot function properly, I am a disgrace. I know there are life coaches out there, who help people like me. But I don’t know any of them or cannot afford them. So here I am, rotting in my own guilt dumpster.

The second thought is a little more brightening. The peers who are successful, are not happy with themselves either. Everyone is in a rush. There is no stopping. No taking a moment to have a look around. Everything must be planned, even the vacations and hangouts. Everything is organized beforehand. Everyone is in a constant anxiety to make sure everything is right. Boy! I should be grateful that I still have the time to enjoy and have a moment to enjoy. Well, basically that’s all I’m doing right now. I hope I will find a balance. I honestly want to do something that I love and make a decent living doing it. WHICH IS HARD MY FRIEND. VERY FVCKING HARD -_-

However, I have a third thing in my mind. I’m thinking of setting an online gameplan. I will set a few goals for every day and upon accomplishing, report those. ALL OF IT WILL BE DONE IN THE BLOG. Since this blogging thing went well (so far) for a week, hopefully that will go well too. I will post the details tomorrow.

(Even I don’t like my blog today! -_- There’s nothing in it to touch other people’s soul. Baa!)

But folks, you are better than me! And you guys are probably doing things that is doing greater good to humankind. So folks, DON’T FORGET TO BE AWESOME \m/

Embodiment of Pure Love/Jason Becker

Ever listened to Jason Becker‘s Altitudes? If not, PLEASE do buy the album Perpetual Burn and listen to it. PLEASE. I beg you. Then you will feel how this maestro can wring your innermost deepest emotions with his guitar.

I mentioned Jason because tonight I’m feeling very empty, selfish, unproductive and unsuccessful. So I wanted to talk about someone I love, respect and consider an inspiration. And how that person inspires me. The first name popped in my mind is Jason Becker.

I am too small and unworthy to write a short bio of Jason. So I won’t even try. You can visit the wikipedia link for that. All I want to say is, Jason Becker is a talented human being with heart of gold. He is made of 24-carat pure love. An insanely talented human being, whose passion for music transcended the barriers of ALS. He has been battling with ALS for more than two decades. But that didn’t stop him.

I don’t think I need to mention at this point that Jason is a heavy metal guitarist and composer (but I did it anyway). I can’t remember anymore, when exactly I fell in love with the most purest spirit of this man’s creativity, BUT I’M GLAD THAT I DID! Before talking about how he has made my miserable like a little more bearable, I’ll have to say something about his passion. As I have mentioned before, he has been living with ALS for two decades, yet he managed to compose music using software when ALS barred guitars and keyboards from him!

Since I’m in constant despair, I’m always bolestered by creative people’s endeavors. Books, music, acting, humor – help me to survive my constant sadness. BUT JASON IS SPECIAL. He is someone my emotions converse with. His works talk to my emotions, reveals a different universe to my emotions, that gives me ideas of moving forward. Jason Becker is, as Paulo Coelho says, a warrior of light for me.

Jason I love you. I wish I could do something to make you happy. I’m still trying to figure a way out how to offer a tribute to the pure love you have shown me through your work.

For the rest of you great human being out there, I present you with a trailer of a documentary about dear Jason. It’s titled Jason Becker: NOT DEAD YET. Yes, that title breaks my heart every time I read. But it is beautiful. You can purchase the full documentary from here.

I can’t guarantee a tear free time. But it’s beautiful. I’m sorry, this selfish git (me) is really emotional today. But you nice human beings out there, DON’T FORGET TO BE AWESOME \m/

 

Scattered Thoughts and Periodic Depression/Let’s Focus on “NOT ME”

Update: Dad’s “chest pain” turned into cardiac attack this year. Thanks to the graces of Almighty he survived. But the fear has won this round big times. I’m the Ronda Rousey to this Holly Holm disguised as fear!

I wrote that title probably 3 hours prior to writing the contents. AND BOY I TELL YA I AM REALLY NOT FEELING LIKE WRITING ANYTHING NOW!

But I have committed myself to it and I will write a blog each day as I promised. I also stated before that I will write about my sudden fear attacks whenever I will feel it. So, LET’S BLOODY TALK ABOUT THAT X_X

I am scared, AGAIN. The thing started with a premonition that I had in late afternoon. Followed by learning that my dad had a little chest pain around afternoon while he was resting (today is a public holiday here), probably due to acidity and took an omeprazole tablet in the evening. BUT RIGHT AFTER LEARNING THAT MY HEAD WENT CRAZY. I tried to avoid the thoughts and to distract myself randomly binge watched some old GMM videos. But it didn’t help much either. The fear would come back, with an occasional guilt that I am enjoying funny video while my dad is in pain. The surge of bad to worse cases are marching towards my brain and attacking it like a pack of wolves upon a sheep. And I am in a very miserable place right now. I don’t know how to get out of it like I never know, until next morning (well it is 2:41 am here now) and probably will go back to bed by 5:30 am and will wake up around 1:00 pm. A bad routine, I KNOW, but it has become a part of my life. Because I’m scared of something every night, if it’s not my dad’s physical condition, then it is about not getting the dream job, or achieving the skills I wanted to or for not having enough creativity. I am unable to control my fears and emotions when nobody is watching. And I can’t open up about it to anyone because people (especially family) think that I am making it up. I talked about it before. I am a pathetic, jealous, stupid, lazy procrastinator who does not do anything other than complaining. And I cannot break the cycle because I am too scared to do something drastic and break a habit. Because a twisted part of my brain says THIS HABITS ARE NECESSARY IF YOU DON’T WANT WORSE THINGS TO HAPPEN X_X

I think that was the “Periodic Thoughts” part of the title.

AND THAT BRINGS US TO THE NEXT PART OF TITLE. Focusing on “NOT ME”. I started this blog to write about stuff, but all did so far was whining about my unsuccessful sad sad life. I’m always highlighting myself too much. And I believe the reason behind it is: I DON’T APPRECIATE THE PERSON I AM RIGHT NOW. I HATE THIS FREAK. That is why I cannot focus on the finer things or anything else that is happening around and need to be mentioned. It is a weakness that I am ashamed of BIG TIMES. And I profusely apologize for that.

I wish I could find a way out of this shit. Can anyone suggest any help?