Often I wake up with the idea for writing a (very ranty) blog about something and forget what the heck I wanted to write about as soon as I open the word processor. Then while keeping on writing very meta things like this, I remember I wanted to rant about how we consider girls “growing up so fast” or “so mature” while keeping the “boys will be boys” or “oh he’s just a kid” context.

I think the price of childhood is also a related topic, but it sometimes drives me so mad that I decided to make a separate blog about it, and yes, I was so into penning that one down that I even posted in my IG story that I want to write about it, and people who see the story should ask me an update about it. Clearly nobody cares, so, nobody asks. I think that’s good though, noticing nobody gives a fuck makes it more worthy to write about. Also, see, I am only driven by non-positive feedback (note: I didn’t write negative here, no feedback is not negative or positive, so it is a safe non positive, along with grey and totally negative ones (woohooo)). Anyway, I think I will mention the price of childhood where it is relevant here as well.

So let’s jump on the rant ride! Trala lala la lalalala la!

“Oh my god she’s three and already worries about your pancreas condition! She’s growing up so fast! I can’t imagine she was just born yesterday!”

Fuck off bitch she HAS to worry about it because she is already being bathed with the negativity and condescending tones that you would possibly never use on a boy child! You call her the “princess”, you make her see that the female figures around her has to do more than the male dudes. Do you think three years olds are dumb, they can fucking recite your eulogy if they’re taught!

Maybe from the day a girl is born, she’s held up responsible! “Her fat rolls”, “Her chubby cheeks”, “Her being so messy, like boys” – everything. With the amazing progress of “fashun”, and God forsaken social media, now even two years olds are painted with makeups and prompted to pose for camera as if they’re plucked out from a French painting straight up. Sure dudes are made to pose these days, as “baby shoot” or whatever shit they call it, is the current big thing. You’re not sure if you can afford your kid’s college fees, but suuuuuuuure you can afford an expensive photographer to make your baby pose with chemicals splayed on their delicate skin (even if not being okay with life saving vaccine shots), because of course your social media post is more important than their education.

Anyway, more about how boys suffer from toxic patriarchy later. Let’s focus on girls for now. As I was saying, a little girl becomes momma’s first mannequin, dad’s first “princess”, and family’s pro bono primary humanoid child monitor if they have more sibling, the go to person to provide “advices” to, the one who needs to be complemented in household tasks as if they’re earning their first badge in “unpaid housekeeper” force. Sure, you’re saying I’m emboldening very “normal” things too pitchy with my screechy feminist voice. Of course I am, also fuck you!

Little girls are “complemented” with the burden of responsibility even when they’re not old enough to figure out what the fuck people say. Verbally, non-verbally, when their asleep or awake, they’re always been exposed to a form of condescending expectation to be responsible.

And if they’re not being treated like that by their parents, immediate family, heck, even extended family,  the bloody forsaken society wouldn’t spare them. The poisonous air of “responsibility” and “accountability” will sooner or later reach their lungs, and no mask can save them from it.

Sure you will say, “dude, to be a strong woman means you’ll have to have a thick skin and not give a fuck!”

Fuck you, for saying that. Because that’s a sloppy way to keep on defending the toxic patriarchy. It’s the society that needs to change and stop venting this poisonous air. And, for a change, hold boys accountable for their actions from early age. For their own sake.

So, when you’re saying a woman’s EQ is much better than a man’s it’s more likely she had to figure out what the fuck is going on when they’re told something on the first go, otherwise the chance to get a thaw will never come second time. Seems too farfetched? It never is!

A girl is barely given a second chance to prove herself, or given credit to if they have one pitfall. And if they’re given, they’re often reminded that, “you’re only getting a second chance just because you’re a girl”. But a boy of her age, will given a second chance to prove himself, and will never be reminded about his gender. As if getting second chances, and more like getting away with wrongdoings are his birthright, even so, if they even mistakenly do one good deed, it’s brought up repeatedly.

So, here’s the stat:

If something bad is done, then a girl gets highest criticism, which will always be reminded, and a boy at best will get a warning and/or punishment and it will be forgotten after that.

If something good is done, then a girl will at best given a very gender biased, complement, like if it’s (the good deed) is something expected to be done by women, then she’d be told, “she’s getting there”, and if it’s something expected to be done by men, then she’d be told, “wow, she’s the man” or some version of “praise” that actually means women can’t get it done generally but she’s an exception. And of course, if it’s of the first sort, it will be expected from her to be done regularly now that she has drawn the first blood.

For the boy, foremost, his deed will be written in golden letters for the rest of the family history, especially if the boy does a very few significant positive things. Also, if it’s something expected more from women, then he might be warned or maybe, even though heavily praised, will be given sort of discouragement to not do that again, and if it’s a task that’s generally expected by men to be done, then he’ll be praised to moons and back, without any expectation to do that again.

This is true for every culture, every country, every continent in general.

So, more likely a boy gets to live more of a loosey goosey life, even though often they get more physical punishments (not that I’m a big fan of it), and more chances to prove themselves than girls of their age. They can make mistake and learn, but for a girl, a mistake is demotion. A mistake costs much more than one jab, and they are taught that very young.

That is why they can’t afford to be sloppy, they can’t afford not to be aware of what tone is set. They have to give their best shot, because they know that it’s very unlikely they’ll get second chances if they ruin the first one.

Throughout my educational journey, I have observed as we were studying higher grades/levels, that girls are mocked for being so serious about being attentive, and responsible at their classes, for taking notes seriously, for having neater handwritings, for bringing the stationery supplies. In my engineering school days, I wouldn’t use pen to note down lectures, and my male friends would ask me for pens because they didn’t carry any. One of them would proudly claim, I’m going to graduate engineering without bringing a single pen on my own, because that’s what a real man would do. He wasn’t joking.

I stopped carrying a pen since the day I heard him saying that, and would borrow pens from other students, mostly dudes, and would ask for him if I could borrow his pen often, because I’m the bitch he had to suffer the wrath of. I would never share my stationery supplies with any of my male classmates for that reason as well. Also, thanks to their entitlement, they really damage those very quickly, and they won’t get the chance when I’m involved.


So, yeaaaaaaaaah! If you really want to barely survive in the world you live in as a female, you have to watch out, you have to read between the lines, you have to understand more than the dudes around you. And when you can’t, you’re always reminded that how “privileged” you are to be able to exist and get the facilities that a human being gets for belonging to the space they’re belonging to. It starts before literally you know it.

And if you’re really lucky to have a family that didn’t let these awful standards affect you, friends who wouldn’t do it either, or a school system that never allowed this sort of discrimination, still it’s very likely you’ll find someone to remind you this.

I hope someday I will really be able to write down another rant blog about how these men are byproducts of this toxic patriarchy, and how they’re often enabled to feel so twisted, entitled, double standard, misogynists by their family, and in most cases by their mothers, who are bootlickers of patriarchy because they have nothing better to do.

I better not rant more about this, I’m THIS close to start.


Perils of Writing for Yourself: WTF IS RIGHT (write) WITH MEEEEE?

Here’s the thing, when it comes to my track as an engineer, I’m very sure that I WANT to do this, I was born to do this. There’s no confusion about it. The day my dad’s bike mechanic Mr. Babool, (I call him Babool chachchu) said I can be an engineer and still have my own set of tool boxes, I knew I am going to be one someday. Sure, my brain has decided to have some fun with my ambition, there’s a constant MK4 going there inside between the illness and wellness of my brain and nobody has won yet. So I believe engineer me will hopefully survive.

Similarly, my endeavor with my albeit awful art-making is some sort of set in terms of what I can do with it. I’m not sincere in making my art perfect, I more likely use my below average artistic skills to convey my thoughts. I have no ambition or goal with it. It is more like an outlet, a tool for me to distract myself when I am really plagued by my mental health condition. In that regard, I am thankful to my psychologist for helping me appreciate my effort, and accept my limitations. My bff, who got me back into art with their presence, and my muse who really is the reason I kept on making art, have so far been very supportive, and they really show a lot of appreciation for the atrocities I create. I identify myself as an “art-maker” instead of an “artist” because that gives me the comfort and closure as someone who doesn’t make good art, but make art for just feeling well. Long story short, I AM SORTED with my aspiration for art-making.

When it comes to writing, I suggest you to hold on to your knickers or maybe just stop reading because it’s going to get long and boring AF.

I knew that there was a writer in me before I started learning how to write. Let me rephrase it, I knew that I had things to say that needs to be preserved. I guess I have said it in previous blog entries, that my parents didn’t necessarily raise me with the quintessential “fairy tales” about princes and princesses, or the witches and wizards. I was raised listening to stories about birds and animals. My mom would repeatedly tell me stories of two birds “tona and tuni”, and how they end up eating their desserts fooling other ferocious animals, and how they fetch ingredients to prepare the dessert. My grandmother would tell me stories about how their pet goatherd would be attacked by jackals at night and how the family members would drive the jackals away with sound and fire. But the stories my father would tell me were most fun. Before I understood the concept of what a “series” is, I would be listening to “series stories” from my father. It had a premise, three friends, a deer, a monkey, and a parrot were living in a forest, and he’d tell me stories about the adventures they were going through surviving one day at a time. My father loves nature, and his love for nature would manifest in his storytelling. The ritual was, every night, after dinner he’d tell me the stories as I’m tucked in bed. If we remembered where he left off the day before, we’d start from there. If not, he’d start a new one. The series would go on and on. And there my “not writing” writing stint started, as some nights he’d ask me to tell what would happen instead. I somewhat regret not having any documentation of what stories we’d tell and listen to, but the experience stayed with me.

Learning to write in general was a struggle for me. Which was funny, because I learned to read very early. The struggle happened due to a perspective issue that I had with many things. Like I walked in a very weird way, that’d damage my shoes and feet, because I’d observe people’s feet when they walk from behind, it often looked as if the top of their feet was brushing the surface as the balls of the ankle were upwards as they walk. I had sort of similar perspective issue with holding pencils, how we actually hold pencils look different when you see people writing from top view, at least I saw it differently. My perspective issues haunted me in my digital signal lab courses, where I’d get a serious headache while working with bread boards, because for me the holes on the board were forever moving. More about that later.

So, it took my mom (who taught most of her siblings how to write, there are a lot, she has 7 of them) a long time and lot of effort to teach me how to write. My aunts, uncles, and grandparents from both side also did their part to teach me the craft. And I did not make it easy for them. But once it was done, it was DONE. I was writing everywhere. Mother’s notes for civil service entrance examination, aunt’s university assignment papers, dad’s work documents- none was spared. The walls of every place around me became my impromptu notebook. I’d think of something, and that will be expressed in letters somewhere.

I should mention my knack for reading here for perspective. I have been an avid reader. By the age of 2 and a half, I could read any children’s book brought to me, and the newspaper headlines. At the ripe age of 3, I started reading out the books from my bookshelves, which included my parent’s university textbooks, magazines, journals, and whatnot. Sure I didn’t know what most of those things meant, but I just wanted to R E A D.

So, when I was given my own fiction books to read, I was elated. I didn’t have to wait for my parents to tell me stories to feed me the meals, or tuck me to bed, or even while bathing (yes, mom had to tell me stories while bathing me as a child, otherwise I wouldn’t stand still). Till now, I can’t enjoy my food properly without a good book. I even have some books and food pairings that I consider a quality time combination. As a child there would often be “not enough books” when it would come to meals.

I got this habit from my father. He can’t eat without reading either. Funnily enough, I have always been scolded by some of my family members when I’d read and eat, but I E N J O Y E D, when my dad would do the same and they wouldn’t be able to say anything to him. Sometimes I’d even make them feel worse by offering dad a newspaper when he’d be snacking with them, engaged in a conversation, and then would focus on the food and the newspaper. Yeah, I’m a very passive aggressive person towards people whom I find toxic. So, it was my dad who suggested I write something before I eat, if there’s “not enough book to read in the house” for me. He said he used to do the same for himself when he was young. That’s how I started writing FOR MYSELF.

It doesn’t help that I have chronic OCD, such “good” OCD that when my psychologist finally found me she was really surprised that I’m functioning the way I am for my pretty “good” condition. Honestly, we both knew I was very close to becoming a total disaster, but hey, here I am. I guess this paragraph would be a good example of how much I get into the semi-related side topics (my OCD) while the intention of this blog was to talk about something else (my writing). It manifests in my writing as well. I sidestep in something else and keep on writing about that, losing my focus. I took up art just to bring back my focus (see I’m losing focus again by talking about art), but it is still a long way to go. I end up writing pages after pages about these sub topics while my focus on main idea weakens. Which conveniently distracts and bores the reader.

Also, I have zero idea about the perspective of other people anymore. Sure I know how far they might understand, but when I start writing, that knowledge just fucking leaves my brain. I can only think from my perspective. Which is a BAD thing. Then again, I only write for myself, and maybe that is why I only write for myself, because nobody has any obligation to google my abstract references.

If my lack of perspective and boring segue weren’t enough, my writing too is bad. VERY BAD. In terms of technicality I mean. I never had any formal writing lesson, nor I did any research on my own. I have zero idea about how you can write engagingly. All I know is I have something to say, and I’ll say it. Like a boring ass narration machine. I KNOW the amazing styles writers have to engage their readers, but I have none. I mean I use none. I’m too lazy. I especially don’t do that because I know nobody else is going to read it. For me, it will do, since the story was already in my brain, I just had to write it down so I can access it when I need.

So the vicious cycle of I write only for myself so I can write bad -> Not writing well, so the practice only comprises bad writing -> I can never monetize my writing because my writing is bad so I have to write only for myself is going very strong.

Here comes my conflict. I wanted to become a writer, heck I am a writer. At least I used to get paid as a “content” writer (because having a “writer” in the company is somewhat too over the top, so you have to sound condescending the thing by using the “c” word before) in two different jobs. Yet, I stopped, because in my last job as a writer even I knew my writings weren’t as engaging as it needs to be to get attention.

My words are like me, arrogant, somewhat unhealthy, and too boisterous. Nobody needs to pay attention to them. And nobody does, unless they’re weirdoes like me.

I guess that is why I mentally gave up. Sure I am writing one Bengali novel, one English novel, like three fanfictions, and translating a play. None of them sounds good. None of them sounds sincere. Because I’m not putting any sincere, technical effort on those. Because I KNOW I’ll be the only one to read. And nobody would ever want to read the crap I make.


এই লেখা সেই ২০১৭ সালের ফেব্রুয়ারি মাসের, বইমেলার মাসে আমার মাথা নানা কারণে এমনিতেই গরম থাকে ২০১৫ সালের পরে। ডঃ অভিজিৎ রায় হত্যার সেই করাল অধ্যায় আমি এখনো হজম করতে পারিনি, কোনদিন পারবো বলে মনে হয় না।
এই করোনাকালের বিভীষিকা থেকে নিজেকে চাইলেও দূরে রাখতে পারছি না, পারা সম্ভবও না, তাই একটু অতীতে ঘুরে বেড়াচ্ছি। এই ওয়ার্ডপ্রেসের ব্লগে আগে মনে হয় কখনো বাংলা লেখা দেইনি। এই লেখাটাও সচলায়তনে অতিথি ব্লগার হিসেবে লেখা, এন্ট্রি পাবার জন্য। পাওয়া যায়নি (কেন যায়নি লেখা পড়েই বোঝা যায়, আমি আমার মাথার ভেতরে বসে লিখি, বাইরের মানুষ তার কী বুঝলো, বা আসলেই কিছু বুঝলো কি- ভেবে লেখার অভ্যাস নেই আমার, এই লেখা পড়ে কারও যদি হাতের কাছের ডিভাইস আছাড় মারতে ইচ্ছে করে, তাকে দোষ দেওয়া যাবে না), তাই ভাবলাম ফ্রিয়ের মাল, এখানে ফ্রিতে মেরে দেই। পাল্টালাম না কিছু, ও হ্যাঁ, আমি ব্লগে আমার নাম চেয়েছিলাম “নিল ডাইল্যান্ডি”, এনিমে সিরিজ গান্ডাম ডাবল ও এর একজন প্রধান চরিত্র, ওই নিল ডাইল্যান্ডির কলমেই লেখা পুরো ব্লগ।
কিছু অসঙ্গতি আছে লেখায়, পরে পড়তে গিয়ে দেখেছি, মনে (এবং চোখে) পড়লে ঠিক করে দেবো।

ফেব্রুয়ারি মাসে আমার ঘাড়ে “লেখক” হওয়ার ভূত চাপে। ভূতও আবার আমার মতো প্রোক্রাস্টিনেটর ভূত। তেমন একটা গরজ টরজ নাই।
এইবার ভূতমশায় (অথবা মহাশয়া) এর মনে হইলো, এই ফেব্রুয়ারিতে সচলে চলাচল শুরু করবো। আটাশ দিনে আটাশ বই (থুক্কু, ব্লগ (ফ্রয়েড দাদুভাই নিশ্চয়ই এই “স্লিপ” এর কথাই কইতেন হেঃ হেঃ হেঃ))।
কিন্তু অলরেডি দুই দিন চূর্ণ করে আড়ং পাস্তুরিত তরল দুধের সাথে মিশিয়ে পান করে ফেলেছি (মাইলো এর অভাবে (নেসলে বিরোধী মানুষজন দয়া করে আমার লেখা এড়িয়ে চলুন, আমি একজন মাইলোভক্ত প্রাণী, এই আকালের দিনে কোন ফোঁকড় গলে যে মাইলো সংগ্রহ করি সেটা নিয়েও একটা বীররসের কাব্য লেখা যাবে)), তাই ভাবলাম তৃতীয় দিনে একটু “চ্যাশ্টা” করি (থার্ড টাইম দ্য চার্ম প্লস)।

জীবনের প্রথম সচলায়তন ব্লগ, একটু সিরিয়াসলি কিছু একটা লেখা দরকার কি-না বুঝতেছি না, কিন্তু আমার সিজনাল মিথোজীবি ভূত এবং আমার নিজের মাথার মস্করা পোকাগুলি কুটুর কুটুর করে কামড়ে যাচ্ছে।
আমি যখনই লিখতে বসি, তখনই ভুলে যাই আমি কী নিয়ে লিখতে চাইছিলাম, এই পুরানো রোগের অব্যর্থ ওষুধ হলো, যখন যা মনে আসে কোথাও টুক করে নোট করে রাখা, কিন্তু যেহেতু আমি একজন প্রতিথযশা প্রোক্রাস্টিনেটর, এই কাজটা কখনোই করা হয়ে ওঠেনা।

বটম লাইন: আমি এই বাক্যটা লেখা পর্যন্ত জানি না আমি কী নিয়ে লিখতে চাই।

যাইহোক, জোড়াতালি মেরে কিছু একটা যদি চালান দিতেই হয়, তাহলে এখনকার “গরম বিষয়” গুলা নিয়ে লেখা যেতে পারে।
গরম বিষয়:
১. ডোলান ট্রাম্পোলিন, আম্রিখা এবং আমাদের জ্বালাময়ী প্রতিবাদী (ফেসবুক) কন্ঠস্বর
২. নিব্বাচন কমিশন
৩. সল্ট বে
৪. জামিয়া আল বাংলা কিতাব মাহফিল ২০১৭ (চউদা, গোস্তাকি মাফ করিবেন)
৫. এবং ফরএভার রেলেভেন্ট: প্যালেস্টাইন ইস্যু

যাইহোক, আমার এইগুলার একটা নিয়েও লিখতে ইচ্ছা হচ্ছে না। মাথায় এখন একটা বড়সড় দাঁড়ওয়ালা “বিতর্কিত” পোকা কামড় বসিয়েছে। কিছু একটা না করা পর্যন্ত ছাড়বে না! 😡
দুপুরবেলা খবরের কাগজের বিনুদুন পাতায় দেখি নায়ক আলমগীর এর ছবি, তিনি মুভ্যি বানাচ্ছেন। উনি বলেছেন দেশের সিনেমা একটা জায়গায় আটকে আছে, নায়ক নায়িকার একজন গরীব আর আরেকজন বড়লোক – এই থিম নিয়েই বছরের পর বছর সিনেমা তৈরি হচ্ছে।

কিন্তু বওনোক (আমার ভাই ছোটবেলায় এম্নে বলতো) আর নিম্নবিত্ত মানুষদের মাঝখানে আরেক দল মানুষ থাকে, যারা একূল-ওকূল কোনটাতেই না গিয়ে মাঝখানের গাঙের মতো হিলহিল করে বয়ে চলে (আমি জানি, খুব উদ্ভট হইলো তুলনাখানা), দ্য গ্রেট মধ্যবিত্ত সমাজ।

ফেকবুকে (হায়েশ, যতই ভাব মারতে যাই না ক্যান, শেষ পর্যন্ত আমিও সেই নদীর ধারে গরু নিয়া আইসা গরু রচনাই লিখতে আসছি। শেষপর্যন্ত আমার “বলগ” ও ফেবুকেন্দ্রিক) বিভিন্ন সময় বিভিন্ন বিশিষ্ট ফেলিব্রিটি (অথবা ফেবু ছেলিব্রিটি (ছেলিব্রিটি মানে শুধু ছেলেই না, মেয়ে ছেলিব্রিটিও আছে)) এই মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের ছেলে, মেয়ে, মা-বাবা দের নিয়ে আবেগঘন সব ইয়া লম্বা লম্বা পোস্ট দেয়, এবং “উল্টা মানুষ” বলে স্বভাবতই আমার সেইগুলা দেখলে ব্রাক্ত লাগে :3

আমি কুনু আশি টাকা তোলার কায়কাউছের পুলা না, কিন্তু বার বার নিজের হোমপেইজ দেখে বিরক্ত হতে বেশিদিন ভালো লাগে না, যদি এখন বিজ্ঞজনেরা বলে থাকেন “ফেকবুকের কাইজ্যা এইখানে আনছো ক্যান? মুরোদ থাকলে ফেবুতে গিয়া পোস্ট দাওগা!” তাইলে আমি টুক করে জিব কেটে ক্ষমা চেয়ে নিবো প্রফুল্ল রায়ের এক দারোগা এক চোর গল্পের কানাই এর মতো, দুঃখের কথা হইলো আমার ফেবুতে পোস্ট পাবলিক করে “ফেবুশান্তি” এর বিঘ্ন ঘটাতে ভাল্লাগেনা। এইখানে আমি লতুন অতিথি (লিটারেলি অতিথি, এই ব্লগ অতিথি ব্লগার হিসেবে লেখা), কারও চোখে টোখে তেমন পড়বার চান্স নাই, ফেবুতে লিখলে মানুষের চড়া ফেবুনুভূতিতর উপ্রে আঘাত কইরা নিজের ইনবক্সে বন্যা আনার ইচ্ছা নাই, সরি, থ্যাঙ্কু, গুব্বাই (মোর ইম্পর্টেন্টলি, এই জিনিস ফেবুতে লিখলে এইখানে কী লিখমু? হেঃ হেঃ হেঃ)।

ফেবুর কথা লিখতে লিখতে মনে আসলো, ফেলিব্রিটিদের আরেক ধাঁচের পোস্টও আমার চক্ষে কুটুর কুটুর করে বিরক্তির উদ্রেক করে, তাদের “আমাদের সময় কতো অন্যরকম ছিলো” মার্কা কন্ডেসেন্ডিং সব পোস্ট।

কূটনামি যেহেতু শুরু করছি, এই ব্লগের নামই তাইলে “কূটনামা” রাইখা দেই। (হ্যাঁ, এদ্দুর লিখার পর ব্লগের টাইটেল এর কথা মনে পড়ছে)। ফেরদৌসী শাহনামা লিখছিলেন রাজাকে প্রশংসা কইরা, নিল ডাইল্য়ান্ডি কূটনামা লিখতে বসছে কারণ তার মানুষের ভার্চুয়াল কাজকারবার “ব্রাক্ত” লাগে (সে নিজে যেন ডিস্টিলড ওয়াটারে ধোয়া তুলসীপাতা), আর তার ম্যালাআআআআআ সময় আছে তাই।

ওয়াও, ডুড, উই আর সো অ্যালাইক! ছলো বন্দু, মেচিং মেচিং টিশার্ট পরে তেহরানের অলিগলিতে গুরে আসি! ইফ ওনলি ইউ ওয়্যার উইথ আস ব্রো!

ম্যালা “সূচনা” ভাজলাম, এইবার দ্বিতীয় পর্বে আসা যাক, দ্য অ্যাকচুয়াল বুলশিটিং পার্ট!

ডি লা গ্রান্ডি মেফিস্টোফিলিস!
(ব্যাকগ্রাউন্ডে ইয়াক ইয়াক হবে)

মধ্যবিত্ত গ্লোরিফিকেশন: ফেলিব্রিটি ফিকশন ভার্সাস রিয়ালিটি

ফে.ফি: আকাশ মধ্যবিত্ত বাবার ছেলে, কষ্টেসৃষ্টে প্রাইভেট ইউনিভার্সিটিতে পড়ছে, সরকারীতে চান্স পায়নি দেখে তার অনেক কষ্ট, বাবার হাত থেকে সেমিস্টার ফি নিতে খুব লজ্জা করে, সে অনেক খেটেখুটে পড়ালেখা করে, যাতে একটা ভালো সিজিপিএ তুলতে পারে। সে বন্ধুদের সাথে আড্ডা মারতে কে এফ সি আর গ্লোরিয়া জিনসে যায় না, এই ছুতো সেই ছুতো করে এড়িয়ে যায়। তার ছোট বোন মিমি, পড়ালেখায় ভালো, চেষ্টা করছে তাকে যেন ভাইয়ার মতো প্রাইভেটে পড়তে না হয়। তার একজনকে ভালো লাগে, তার বান্ধবীর বড় ভাইয়ের ফ্রেন্ড, বান্ধবীর বার্থডেতে ওদের বাসায় তাকে দেখেছিলো গত বছর। কিন্তু সে কোনভাবেই তার কথা কাউকে বলতে পারে না, ওর একটা ডায়েরি আছে, সেখানে মনের কথাগুলো লিখে রাখে।
আকাশও প্রেমে হাবুডুবু খাচ্ছে, ওদের ক্লাসের লামিয়াকে তার খুবই ভালো লাগে। অত “বড়লোকের মেয়ে” কিন্তু কোন অহংকার নেই! ওর সানগ্লাসটারই দাম ওদের এক সেমিস্টারের ফি এর সমান, সেই মেয়ে যখন ওর সাথে হেসে হেসে কথা বলে, বুকের শব্দ বেড়ে যায় আকাশের।
কিন্তু আকাশ জানে এই আবেগের কোন দাম নেই, লামিয়া বড়লোকের মেয়ে, পাশ করতে না করতেই ওদের মতো কোন ধনী ছেলের সাথে বিয়ে হয়ে যাবে ওর, আকাশকে সংসারের হাল ধরতে হবে, বোনটাও বড় হচ্ছে, ওর ভবিষ্যতের কথাও তো ভাবতে হবে। ভালো একটা ছেলে দেখে ওর বিয়ে দিয়ে দিতে পারলে তখন দেখা যাবে এসব। ওদিকে নীপার ভালো লাগে আকাশকে।
নীপাও আকাশের মতো মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের মেয়ে, আকাশের সাথে কোচিং করতো স্কুল-কলেজে থাকতে, থাকেও আকাশদের পাশের বাড়িতে, সেও সরকারীতে চান্স পায়নি দেখে এখন ন্যাশনাল ইউনিভার্সিটিতে পড়ছে। মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের মেয়েদের ছেলেমানুষি করার সুযোগ নেই, তাদের সংসারের মারপ্যাঁচ শিখে নিতে হয়, তাই নীপা জানে ওর কখনো প্রেম-ট্রেম করা হবে না। নীপা কখনো বলতে পারেনি কাউকে যে আকাশকে ওর ভালো লাগে। বাসায় তার বিয়ের কথা চলছে, থার্ড ইয়ার ফাইনাল হয়ে গেলেই বিয়ে। ওর ইচ্ছা ছিলো ফোর্থ ইয়ারের পরে বিয়েটা হোক, অন্তত অনার্সটা শেষ হোক বিয়ের আগে- কিন্তু ওর দাদীর খুব ইচ্ছে নাতজামাই দেখে যাবার, তাই রাজী হয়ে যেতে হলো।
আকাশের বাবা সিদ্দিক সাহেবের মেজাজ তেতে থাকে সারাক্ষণ। অফিসের চাপ, বসদের চাপ, কলিগের চাপে অতিষ্ট সারাদিন, বাসায় ঢুকলেই মাথায় ঘোরে বাজার খরচ, দশ রকমের বিল, ছেলের সেমেস্টার ফি আর মেয়ের কোচিং এর বেতনের চিন্তা। ওইদিকে বৌ ঘ্যানঘ্যান করবে এই আনো নাই-সেই আনো নাই। চাকরির আর কয়টা বছর আছে, তেমন কোন সঞ্চয়ও নাই, ভাবতেই হাত পা ঠান্ডা হয়ে আসে যে কয়েক বছর পর ছেলের ওপর নির্ভর করতে হবে। ওদিকে পাশের টেবিলের মজিদ সাহেবকে দ্যাখো, ব্যাটা দোকানদারি করে কী থেকে কী হয়ে গেলো। বাসায় গিয়ে তো কোন কাজ-কর্ম নেই, সুন্দর ব্যবসা ফেঁদে বসেছে স্টেশনারির, থাকে শ্বশুরবাড়িতে ঘরজামাই হয়ে, এইসব সে করবে না তো কে করবে! আর তার ছেলেমেয়েদের নিয়ে কী আদিখ্যেতা! মেয়েকে বিদেশে পড়তে পাঠালো, ছেলেটাকে পড়াচ্ছে গরুর ডাক্তারি – অবশ্য ওই লোকের থেকে আর এর থেকে বেশি কী আশা করা যায়, এলেবেলে বংশের লোক, বিয়ে না দিয়েই মেয়েকে বাইরে ছেড়ে দিলো, তার ছেলে গরু-ছাগলের ডাক্তারি করতেই পারে।
সামিনা বেগমের দুঃখ তার সংসারের কেউই তাকে বুঝলো না। ইন্টারমিডিয়েট পাশ করে অনার্সে ভর্তি হতে না হতেই বিয়েটা হয়ে গেলো, বিয়ের পর ঢাকায় এসে আবার অনার্সে ভর্তি হয়েছিলো বটে, কিন্তু সেকেন্ড ইয়ারের পর অনার্সের পড়াও বন্ধ হয়ে গেলো আকাশ পেটে আসতে। কার কাছে বাচ্চা রেখে ক্লাসে যাবে, তাদের সব আত্নীয়স্বজন ঢাকার বাইরে। সেই ছোট্ট আকাশ এখন তার কথা শোনে না। এইতো সেদিন কতোগুলো কথা শোনালো, তার বন্ধুদের মায়েরা চাকরি করে দেখে তাদের টিউশনি করতে হয়না হাতখরচ চালাতে- এজন্য তাদের রেজাল্ট ভালো হয়! বাথরুমে গিয়ে কেদেছিলো অনেকক্ষণ সামিনা। ছেলে না হয় ছেলে, তার মেয়েও তাকে বোঝে না। স্কুল থেকে স্টাডি ট্যুরে যেতে পারেনি দেখে সেদিন যা-তা কথা শোনালো সে। আরে, ওর ভালোর জন্যই যেতে দেয়নি ওদের বাবা, এতোদূর কোন গার্জিয়ান ছাড়া মেয়েকে ছাড়তে চায়নি তার ওপর মাসের শেষ, ট্যুরের ফি এর অঙ্কও বেশ ভারি। এই কথাগুলো মিমিকে বোঝাতে গিয়ে সেই মেয়ে কাঁদতে কাঁদতে কত কিছু শোনালো!
ছেলেমেয়েদের কথা বলে কী হবে, তারা তো বাবার ধাতই পেয়েছে, সেও তো বুঝলো না তাকে। বিয়ের পর থেকে এক হাতে সংসার সামলানোর পরেও শুনতে হয় কতো কথা! সে নাকি দুহাতে খরচ করে! ছেলেমেয়ে অবাধ্য হচ্ছে তার প্রশ্রয়ে। পাশের বাড়ির ভাবীকে তার স্বামী প্রতি ম্যারেজ ডে তে তাকে গয়না গিফট করে, আর তার কপালে এই।
তার পরেও দিন শেষে তারা সামিনা ভালোবাসে তার ছেলেমেয়েকে আর তাদের বাবা কে। সিদ্দিক সাহেবও তাই। আকাশও ভালোবাসে তাদের পরিবারকে, আর মিমি তো মা-বাবা কে ছাড়া কিছু ভাবতেই পারে না।

(সিরাম ফেকফিকশন লিখলাম তো, নিজের মাথায় নিজেরই চাটি মারতে ইচ্ছা করতেছে! এক্কেবারে এ লিস্ট ফেলিব্রিটি বস্তু না হইলেও, ওই “ভালোবাসি তোমার বাড়ির পাশের দোকানের কাচ্চি বিরিয়ানির খাসি” মার্কা পেইজে শেয়ার দেওয়া পোস্ট গ্রেডের হইছে! গুড জব ডাইল্যান্ডি! আলি মিঞা ওইপারে গিয়া হাত কামড়াইতেছে, মাইরাও আমারে “লাইনে” আনতে পারলো না দেইখা (ইনসাইড জোক ফর গান্ডাম ফ্যানস))

রিয়ালিটি: ওয়াও! প্রথমেই এতক্ষণ চেপে রাখা বাতক্রিয়াসম এই অবাকুনুভূতি বের করে দিলাম! মানুষ এতো সেন্টিমেন্ট ঢেলে কেমনে সমাজের একটা গুরুত্বপূর্ণ অংশের বিভিন্ন আচারবিচার (আম, বরই কিংবা জলপাই সব চলবে) নিয়ে এইরকম ঢেঁড়সের তরকারির মতোন পিছলা পোস্ট লেখে! -_-

(নাকি আমারই শুধু এইরকম লাগে)

মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের সদস্যরা সবাই কি আসলেই এক একটা ইমোশনের বিয়ার ব্যারেল? এইসব পরিবারের বাবা রা কি আসলেও ছেলের চাকরি, মেয়ের বিয়ে, অফিসের “ঝামেলা”, কলিগদের হিংসা আর বাজার খরচের বাইরের দুনিয়া চেনে না? মায়েরা কি শুধুই “হাঁড়-মাংস কালি কালি” হওয়ার দুঃখ নিয়ে দিন কাটায়? ছেলেরা “উদাস উদাস” থাকে আর পেটরোগা প্রেমিক হয়, আর মেয়েরা টিনএজ বয়স থেকে “পরিণত” হওয়ার জন্য প্রিপারেশন নেয়?

মনে হয় নেয়, মনে হয় আমি কোন “বিকল্প মহাবিশ্ব” (শিট! এই জিনিস লিখার পর মনে হইতেছে নেক্সট বইমেলায় একখান উপন্যাস বাইর করতেই হবে!) থেকে আসছি। কারণ আমি তো দেখি মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবার শুধুও ইমোশনে টলটল করে না।

কিন্তু তার মানে এই না, এইসব সেন্টিমেন্ট মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবার গুলোতে নাই। দুঃখের কথা হইলেও সত্যি যে এইসব পোস্টে যেই জিনিস গুলোকে গ্লোরিফাই করা হয়েছে, সেগুলো এতো উচ্চস্বরে না হলেও, একরকম সত্যি। মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের ছেলেরা মুখ ফুটে বলতে চায় না যে তাদের পকেটে টাকা নাই দামী রেস্টুরেন্টে খেতে যাওয়ার, তাদের “প্রেস্টিজ”- এ লাগে! নিজের সীমাবদ্ধতা লুকিয়ে রাখবার মধ্যে তারা একপ্রকার অসুস্থ আত্মতৃপ্তি খুঁজে পায়। এইসব প্যানপ্যানে পোস্ট তাদের আত্মতৃপ্তির তেলচিটচিটে আগুনে ঘি ঢেলে দেয় দেখে তারা টুকুর টুকুর করে এসব পোস্ট শেয়ার দেয় আর লাইক মারে -_-
মধ্যবিত্ত বাবারা অনেকেই এখনো ওই সহকর্মীকে হিংসা আর নিজের ছেলেমেয়েদের দোষ ধরবার মধ্যেই জীবনের অর্থ খুঁজে পায়। উদ্যম নিয়ে নিজে নতুন কিছু করা এখনো তাদের কাছে “ছেলেমানুষি”, চাকরি, বাড়ি – গাড়ি, রিটায়ারমেন্টের পর ছেলের বাড়িতে বসে বসে ছেলের বৌয়ের হাতে বানানো চায়ের কাপে চুমুক দিতে দিতে নিউজপেপার পড়া এখনো তাদের কাছে “আদর্শ জীবন”, তাদের বয়েসী যারা নিজে থেকে কিছু করতে চায়, তারা তাদের কাছে এখনো হাসির পাত্র – কিন্তু এই “মধ্যবয়স্ক যুবক” দের সংখ্যা এখন ধীরে ধীরে বাড়ছে। নিজের থেকে কিছু করবার চেষ্টা করা মধ্যবয়স্ক নারী পুরুষদের সংখ্যা এখন নেহায়েত কম নয়। এইসব সংকীর্ণ চিন্তাভাবনা আঁকড়ে ধরে পড়ে থাকা মধ্যবয়স্ক পুরুষদের গ্লোরিফাই করে লেখা বিরক্তিকর পোস্টগুলো আমার কাছে সকল উদ্যমী মধ্যবয়স্ক নারীপুরুষদের প্রতি একরকম প্রচ্ছন্ন অপমান!
মধ্যবিত্ত মায়েদের কথা বলার আগে মেয়েদের কথা বলে নেই, এইসব প্যানপ্যানে পোস্টগুলোতে মেয়েদের “স্যাক্রিফাইস” গুলোকে গ্লোরিফাই করা হয়। যেনো তারা তাদের নিজেদের পড়ালেখা, ক্যারিয়ার আর ইচ্ছা-অনিচ্ছা স্যাক্রিফাইস করে সেই লেভেলের পূণ্য করে ফেলেছে! এবং এই স্যাক্রিফাইস গুলো তাদের “ম্যাচিওরিটি” এর বহিঃপ্রকাশ, সোজা বাংলায় বলতে মধ্যবিত্ত মেয়েদের কাজই হইলো, বাসার কাজ করা, সাথে সাথে ভালো রেজাল্ট করা তারপর চটাশ করে বিয়ের পিঁড়িতে বসা আর টুকুর টুকুর করে বাচ্চা দেওয়া আর তাদের বড় করা, যাতে আরেকটা মুখচোরা ছেলে আর এইরকম বেবিমেকিং ডিভাইস তৈরি হয়।
ভুলেও এই পোস্টগুলায় লেখা হয় না সেই মেয়েদের কথা যারা পরিবার আর সমাজের এইরকম বিচ্ছিরি আচরণ সত্ত্বেও তাদের ইচ্ছাগুলো “স্যাক্রিফাইস” করে নাই। তারা তাদের খুঁত ধরা বাবা, জি-বাংলা দেখা মা, আশেপাশে চল্লিশ ঘর পর্যন্ত বসবাসকারী সকল অ্যানথ্রোপোমরফিক খালাম্মা-খালুজান আর রাস্তার সব ইভটিজারদের মুখে ছাই দিয়ে নিজেদের জীবন গড়ে চলেছে। আর এইসব শুধু এই একবিংশ শতাব্দির মেয়েরাই করছে না, সেই পঞ্চাশ-ষাট দশক, কিংবা তারও আগে থেকে এরকম মেয়েরা ছিলো আমাদের সমাজে, যারা তাদের “স্যাক্রিফাইস” এর বৃত্ত থেকে বেরিয়ে এসেছিলো, আসছে, “লোকজন” কী বলবে না বলবে তার তোয়াক্কা না করে কাজ করে গিয়েছে স্বাধীনভাবে বাঁচবার জন্য।
এবং সেইসব মেয়েদের অনেকেই এখনকার প্রজন্মের মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের “মা”, তারা মোটেও তাদের স্বামীদের “হাড়-মাংস জ্বালানোর প্রতিভা” নিয়ে চিন্তিত না, পাশের বাড়ির ভাবীকে তার হাজবেন্ড কী গিফট দেয় সেটা নিয়ে তাদের মাথাব্যথা নেই, তারা নিজেরাই নিজের গিফট কিনে নিতে সমর্থ – এইসব মায়েদের কথা পাওয়া যাবেনা ফেলিব্রিটিদের সেন্টিমেন্টাল মধ্যবিত্ত পরিবারের গল্পতে।
কারণ এইসব গল্প অনেক মানুষের ইনসিকিওরিটি আর সোজা বাংলায় খেটে নিজের জীবন পরিবর্তন না করার অভ্যাসের মুখে সটান চড় বসায়, আর চড় দিয়ে “ফ্যান” দের খুশি করা যায়না, তৈলমর্দন দিয়ে যায় – তাই এইসব ছাইপাশ দিয়ে ফেলিব্রিটিগণ মানুষের “মন জয়” করে নেয়। (আর আমাকে এইসব হাউমাউ মার্কা “বলগ” লেখার সুযোগ করে দেয়)।

(এখন উপসংহার লেখার সময় এসে গেছে, কী লিখবো বুঝতেছি না @_@)
৩ তারিখ বিকালে শুরু করছিলাম, খাতা কলমে ৪ তারিখ রাত ১ টায় লেখা শেষ হইলো, তাই কূটনামা প্রথম পর্ব এখানেই শেষ হলো। ভাবছিলাম আরো কিছু জিনিস নিয়ে লিখবো, কিন্তু একটা লিখতে গিয়েই যেই অবস্থা…
পরে হবে বাকীগুলা, ততোদিন আমার এইসব ছাইপাশ লেখা বাদ দিয়ে ঘাঘু মানুষের ব্লগ পড়েন। আর আমি তো আছিই , প্রোক্রাস্টিনেশন ভূত ঘুম দিলে আবার লিখবো ^_^
ধন্যবাদ আবার আসবেন।

প্রচারে: নিল ডাইল্যান্ডি

সব কথার শেষ কথা, তুমি একটা **** মাথা,  অর্থাৎ: এই সমাজে শারীরিক ও মানসিক ভাবে সুস্থ থাকতে ডাবল স্ট্যান্ডার্ড সহ্য করার ক্ষমতা অত্যাবশ্যক

করোনাকাল শেষ হোক, সকলের মঙ্গল হোক

The Embarrassing Dream: PART DEUX

Exactly 3 years ago ( August 29, 2016) I wrote about a weird dream which kinda made me feel awkward. I felt weird about making out in most graphical and realistic way so far with a friend IN DREAM, for who I felt no attraction whatsoever IRL!

Fast forward 3 years, the dream sequel was released. This time, it was easy on the graphical, physical intensity. In short, NO MAKEOUT to worry about.
Sounds good, right?


This time IN MY DREAMS I had massive crush on this said poor friend, and have been sending him awfully flirty texts (in my standards, which are constantly providing them with information that I find interesting (I can see what adds to my repulsion factors other than my lack of physical attractiveness)). So far what I recall from that dream is me texting him about meeting in one dessert parlour close to his place, and it just keeps getting postponed (mostly by him, sometimes by me). My dream self could see that he’s trying to avoid it, but my dream self is an adamant lady who does not accept NO for an answer (I wish I could be like that for once!)!


The sad part is, making out with even a cis-het male, the most available kind of amorous interest (and so far the only “legal” kind) is not something that “just happens” in my life, it’s almost unrealistic for my current reality. So separating my awake self from my dream self is pretty easy (despite the smell of cigarettes). BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE FOR THE BURNING FRUSTRATION OF NOT BEING ABLE TO CONVINCE A PERSON TO MEET, NOT EVEN A DATE! JUST FOR A CASUAL DESSERT BITE AND TALK! I know it, it happened to me so far every single time I tried asking anyone out after my tiny relationship that happened 10 years ago and we never “went out” for “dates”. Which means, I have never actually went out on a date, and I could never even ask a friend for a meal other than the ones I hang out with most of the time!

Zero Amorous Persuasion Skills – Checked

Zero Social Skills Out of Regular Circles – Checked

Zero Romantic Life – Checked

Ah! What accomplishments have I gathered! I must be a cool ass person!

Analysis time:

(Disclaimer: This is no “Dream reading”, it’s just my personal reasoning about why I might have this dream. x’) )

Lately, I have been sulking about my lack of success in amorous quest. Mostly due to my colorful orientation, and well, let’s face it, how I carry myself. It’s proven that there’s no luck with straight men around when I’m me. Learned that from the most reliable source ( i.e.: straight men around).

My last few wooing endeavors shattered into tiny sad pieces. First one , the radiant and zen soul I fell so hard in love with, turned out to be in a steady relationship with another radiant and zen person around. And my sore, love stained eyes could never see that because I was only seeing this person, and nothing else! Classic me!
And the second one kinda just blew up. Maybe my overall presence, online and IRL is too abrasive for their taste, if not tacky and/or unbearable. I even made a comic about this failed endeavour in my ARRT IG (yuss noice segue and art IG plug)

Let’s get back to the dream, I think, my laments over my lack of luck in this part of life projected in the dream. Maybe this emotion is much stronger than I give it credit for. Maybe my subconscious self aches for romantic love as much as it aches for success, solvency, and visibility. It just does not bother me enough most of the time. But when it does, IT’S DEBILITATING!

So, the bottom line is, it’s an obvious projection of my desire. But why, of all people, this poor friend, whom I’m not even consciously attracted to! So far, I came up with two possible takes:

  1. Reflex: Maybe he’s the generic reflex image of straight romantic interest in my brain. In that case, it’s nothing to be sad about. It’s not my fault. Actually it’s better than pining on my unattainable and/or unrequited crushes in dreams too, I get to do enough of that during my waking hours
  2. Maybe NOT: Maybe I’m actually attracted to this poor guy, and my conscious self is just not admitting it. Then it sucks. Ugh! I hope this is not the case!

But I think, #1 has more weight than #2 here, because, I don’t even think of this friend much and only get to see him very occasionally.

Anyway, I think I’m done with being embarrassed by my dreams. It took me almost a day to draft this blog, meanwhile I had a “regular” dream of attending an exam totally unprepared, knowing I’ll nail it, and the confidence waned only 5 minutes before the exam! How amusing!

Yay! My regular sad, pathetic, unsuccessful self is bacc! I’ve got nothing to worry about! Oh how beautiful I feel right now inside and out!


To the (Misogynist) Colleague Next to Me

After last week’s ear biscuits, I decided to give my coworkers, who have different and difficult to cope with habits one more chance and embrace their existence for what it is and “change” my outlook for a more “relaxed” work environment.

Seems like that will have to wait.

When I dumped my dried up “women’s day” roses to trash, one coworker (who recently blamed the tragic plane crash on a female co-pilot, claiming the male pilot neglected his duty as he was having an adultery encounter on duty with the lady and therefore the crash happened, and he made this joke while we were finally receiving the news of death tolls) was asking who dumped their “women’s right” to bin?

And then that dude who sits to my left got started. He began with how absurd that even though there’s an international men’s day and an international transgender day (yeah, they “learned” that on women’s day), still women’s day is “more highlighted”. Since nobody in the workplace responded, he got started with how women and men are never equal, no female athlete would win a race with a male athlete, if she does then the man must be lacking something, in no field women are doing better than men. No matter what, it is scientifically proven that women will always be weaker than men.

Still nobody was giving him any attention.

Then he was like, then how come women win less Nobel prizes than men “if they’re equal”. Believe it or not, it was the end for me. I countered him with how many women don’t receive credits for their work in STEM. Then he was like, well, “some of them (women)” receive credits, right? How come they receive credits then? Women want unfair and undeserved rights.

I was trying to logically argue that, women have received unfair treatment for thousands of years in getting credits and recognition. He was like, then they will always be behind thousands of years, since it will be illogical for men to stop for thousands of years to reach an equilibrium, and therefore the gap will persist forever, hence women should stop demanding “equal rights” and be content with what they have.

This pissed me off so hard that it became impossible for me to concentrate on work for a while. I was thinking of instagram DM-ing Anna Rothschild, because I had to let it out to someone who would understand. I’m glad I didn’t. Anna does not deserve such pathetic DM on a sad Pi day when we lost Stephen Hawking.

Speaking of Stephen Hawking, that colleague was demanding, “Name one female physicist as famous as Stephen Hawking, or Einstein or Sir Issac Newton! There are not many big female names, yes, some might have worked hard, but the men work equally hard to get recognition, and recently, thanks to your “feminism” only the successes of female scientists are highlighted and men’s successes are overlooked and “praised less”! Admit it, you have got all resources and amenities, you don’t need “equal rights” because you are not, and never gonna be “equal” to men in any way. I’m not saying women are useless, I was born to a mother, I have a sister. They have certain roles in life. But there is and always going to be a gender gap, and it is legitimate. You feminists are demanding what is undeserved.

Sorry, that was one dang long quotation. But that’s what I’ve been enduring for past few hours.

I know I am just a speck of Mythical Beast, but I politely want to ask Rhett and Link, how do I deal with this? How should I respond?

I am asking your opinion feminist fathers I know on the internet, Man vs Pink, Dad and Two, Feminist Dad. How would you respond if you were me? Or if/when you see someone around you saying toxic misogynist crap like this with full conviction that they’re being “logical” and “right”?

I am asking for your help too Scientista Foundation. And all the other organizations that work with and work for women in STEM. What should I do? Like how should I handle this situations in a workplace where HR is all about recruiting and firing people and keeping a log of their attendance and leave and the whole workplace has a deaf ear to such behaviors every single day?

(Update of the updates: Well, it’s been a while since I wrote this blog, and it was my last entry so far, and make no mistake, things have gone even worse since that day. Internalized misogyny has become so toxic in our office that regressive fundamentalism is being normalized within the four walls, oh cherry on top, homophobia is being explicitly celebrated, well it’s (homophobia) is legal in the beautiful country I live in, but this explicit homophobia is making it worse! People (read: the person who is blogging this) do crazy shit for money!)

Love & Me: Two Parallel Lines!

I thought about drafting a blog when I was spending delightful time doing number 2. It’s one of the few things that relaxes me (yayy poop humor! I’m literally “full of it”). I had some idea, that includes references (or inspired from) one certain chapter of Rhett & Link’s Book of Mythicality- which is Chapter 10, (Say I Love You Like it’s Never Been Said). The problem is, I F O R G O T what I thought when I was making satisfying and relaxing brown thingies for the sewer system to work on. I must go raw.


Raw as this “abstract” drawing by me, depicting my “sadness”! Classy! Meh!


Well, you may consider this as my “Generic February Blog” covering Spring and Valentine’s Day. Neither I am a huge fan or expert of (respectively) In my defense regarding the “spring” thing, I am dang allergic, and the allergy queen rules the spring kingdom! GRRR!

And my (lack of experience) is somewhat my creation. Let’s assume (for the sake of context, and save my life) I am a good for dang nothing straight broad with everything a man does NOT wanna deal with. TBH, I generally don’t treat other peoples’ opinions as absolute, but this “opinion” about me from a dude-friend of mine, or you can say was (well, (according to him) I “thought” was) my boyfriend at one dang naive point of my life. That dark and crazy limbo time of switching between vet school to engineering school till the whole freshman year. Dang! It’s kinda self explanatory! A frustrated (almost) college freshman grilled in the burning reality all at once (ah the caustic flames of South Asian “values”, misogyny, and financial trauma).



Yeah right! Who would ever want to deal with T H I S? (But this tie thingy was inspired by Sarah G’s iconic style in Auto Tune The News #10 ) 

Oh, did I mention he also said, “You’re a good friend and great human being” while expressing his opinion how unfit I was to be a straight amorous interest? My apologies, for he “sincerely” said that. I don’t hold it against him though. It’s his observation, and he just wanted to “not soil” a friendship that we had before I apparently “stared imagining things that weren’t there”. He’s happily married now and his wife lady managed to give him hope that he lost in a bad breakup before my naive days (ah “teenage dreams“).

The reason why I considered his “opinions” because, my male friends without any awkward amorous tensions have always had similar remarks. Like I am “repulsive” as an amorous interest to “most men” around. Well, apart the creepy and predatory asshats. Generally I don’t regret it. I never had any “fantasy” of “one true love” for myself. My only man-crush IRL (also happily married now), a true gentleman he is, thought I was a dude (even though I changed my gender info in FB, (which I generally keep “male” to fend off the creeps, and boy it works) for me, it’s was HARD! I never feel comfortable as a “female” there, I know where dress and makeups are found, the shitty advertises can suck my imaginary dick!). Even though I literally sat in the next table to his one almost every single day in college.

Seems like I’m cursed/destined with men majoring in Electrical and Electronics Engineering! The first dude ever to approach me for an amorous courtship back in middle school, that “supposed” boyfriend, and pièce de résistance, the IRL man-crush- it can’t be a coincidence anymore, CAN IT (actually the first and last one became classmates in college)?

The ball is on your court dear men who majored in EEE, and are interested in women generally thought to be “good friends”, “great humans”, and “everything a man does not wanna deal with when it comes to being an amorous interest”.

(I know I am nowhere near the point. However, it’s totally fine if you’re bored, and I apologize.)

Yes, Chapter 10 from Book of Mythicality! The chapter is about how you should profess your amorous feelings (do I use the dang word amorous (and dang) way too much? Sorry) to the loved ones in your own creative way, which makes it more mythical, magical and exclusively yours. And NOT about how you would find an amorous partner for the first time when you’re 26, without any previous experience of dating!

That is why, the wonderful chapter had zero utility for me if you consider the principal purpose of that chapter was how to profess your affection.

However, that chapter got me into worrying about something many heated discussions with parents, and/or other relatives could never do. Worrying about the fact that “my time” is running out. These two men found the people they have been in love with, and committed to when they were barely in their twenties. When they went through the bulldozers of engineering school, maintaining a great result (this part seems most fascinating to me, and that might be a giveaway that I’m not okay), and staying in touch with their creative sides. I could barely move, talk, and exist – apart being absorbed in frustration, competition, exhaustion, and giving my best to become a good-enough computer engineer. Guess what, it didn’t work out.

(Can never thank Gregory Brothers enough for being by my side during college days. I guess I never told you Morchael, but your OMG somg was my anthem during the stalling cafeteria times when my man crush was sitting a few feet away from me, musing over his then-girlfriend, who was a gorgeous being)

And here I am now. I cannot even concentrate on any amorous thoughts without being distracted by the fact that I am a failed engineer. And when I concentrate to be a good engineer, I start thinking how bad of a writer I am! And when I think about writing, my mind drifts to the land of despair marked as “how inexperienced I am in love”.

Trifecta y’all!

People around me are finding “love” (or amorous relationships) flying left, right, and center. In this time o social networks and internet it’s supposed to be “easier”, right?

To be honest, I don’t even know anymore! I, however, have found another reason why I am such “love handicapped”.

Before you draw any conclusions, I am strictly referring to my conditions. This necessarily does not apply on others. Don’t compare this drool’s life to yours.

Turns out I am unable to love and accept myself for the person I truly am. I am not in peace with myself. Maybe if I did, I probably would at least make myself do better than this loser self that I am now. And even though more of it has to do it with me, I have some blame for the mental illnesses I’ve been suffering from for last 12 years (or maybe more). If I get to love myself more, I might do better, and will probably get by without an amorous companion.

So, again like last year, here’s to me! And my old buddy mental illnesses and inability to do better. Constructive narcissism FTW!

Dream Diary/The Ultimate Mythical Sleepover!

Can’t believe I am blawgging at werk. But hey! I write blawwwwgs for them all the time! I should be allowed to write some of my own! Especially when it’s MY BLOODY LUNCHBREAK! Today’s gonna be a looooong ass day. Already got a shitload of werk and only 40% of that is finished! I MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY WHEN I CAN, BEFORE I AM THROAT DEEP AT WERK 😡


Anyway, after a loooooong time (I’m emphasizing the o’s because it’s been VERY long time), I had a good and interesting (or maybe just plain good) dream, that did NOT involve me running for my life or making out with a friend to save him from black tar like alien beings that can kill people or I am forced to take high school tests AGAIN!

I dreamed that I had a sleepover with mythical crews Becca , Allie , Lizzie, Ellie, and Micah.

Phenomenal right?

It so dang was!

It was a long dream I guess. I fell asleep by 2:00 am and woke up by 8:00 am (I don’t get such long sleeps during weekdays (I know I’m pathetic, you’re free to judge)). And I don’t remember much about the dream apart, my parents moved back to our old house (yes, I still live with my parents, I’m “culturally bound” to some extent, in case you didn’t know). It’s somewhat renovated. And somehow there are some strange changes in the BGB HQ (Headquarters area of the border guard force, which is right in front of our house ) landscapes, and there’s a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge field/stadium in front of our place. And some big arse UN cultural event was taking place there (yes, I saw the UN flag).

And Mythical Entertainment sent their delegates there. (Yayyy!). Since I was the only mythical beast around who lived right next to the event venue, they stayed with me (it wasn’t strange at all! Booking hotels and hiring guides are for boring reality, meh!). So there we were, Becca was very jet lagged, Ellie and Lizzie took a keen interest in phuchka, a local snack that my mom served, and I had a very animated conversation with Allie and Micah about local places they must visit that tour guides in Bangladesh normally won’t take foreigners to (like Shahbagh Shishu Park, Old Dhanmondi Streets, Nilkhet, Biryani Joints in Old Dhaka, and my rooftop (I remember mentioning THAT)).

I took them to the event that I don’t remember much about apart people in VERY SHOCKING PINK UNITARDS RUNNING AROUND THE LENGTH OF THE FIELD. When we got back, Becca immediately hit the hammock. The rest probably had dinner or cleaned up. But I was already preoccupied with the cowdung that stuck to my feet.

I JUST COULD NOT WASH IT OFF! It took me a while to wash my feet and when I got back, I saw THEY MADE A FORT IN MY ROOM!



I don’t remember anything else now! I don’t care if I won’t! I’m way to elated already!

Maybe it was a residue of the reality that YouTube Red isn’t available in my country, along with playstore purchases. And I had a “consolation dream”.

I don’t mind consolation dreams like this!

I promise, dear crew members, I’ll take you to the best tasting phuchka, biryani, and rezala places in Dhaka, if you ever think of coming here. Till then, you are always welcome in my dream! ^_^

I love you all!


Like we needed any more! Ugh!

Since I am from the third world, underprivileged mouse-hole, let me start with what we grow up seeing. In our country, government LEGALIZED underage marriage of girls in “special conditions” such as “rape”, “pregnancy” or “kidnap” (because nobody would marry a woman who was abducted by goons when she was young, let’s get her married off with the available jackass). You can safely say, this has made majority of people happy, majority live in the rural area and they just don’t want to deal with the daughters when they reach teenage. And this “majority” vote, therefore, keeping them happy means securing more votes.


Honey, everything is fair in love, war and misogyny!

When I was younger and more naive, I had  faith is many stuff that are not as promising as I thought those are. Like the concept of communism. Sure it’s all nice and fancy, when you’re born and raised in a family where you’re economically safe, there are three meals in front of you and you don’t have to worry about working or getting paid for your hard work, it’s fancy. It is also tempting when you are in walking because you don’t have the money even for a bike and someone is riding their Convertible in front of you. But when you get past the naivete, you snap out of it. Today, I’m not here to diss communism. That’s another thing to save for letter.

Let’s talk about the other thing my naive self used to think. WEST IS DIFFERENT! THEY LET THE YOUNG GIRLS ENJOY BEING YOUNG THERE! How horribly wrong I was! Sure, the parents don’t marry off their 8th grade daughter, but they sure expect them to be “ladylike” and “poised” just like the parents in the east do. The society, the sick media and the pedophiles come crawling at the poor pre-teen girls, to make sure they don’t get to enjoy their age.

It happens to regular kids, one year they are just little kids who play, fight and roll in the mud. The next year, they’re fussing about the lipstick brands, boyfriends and trashy popstars (err, no judgment here, just some default metalhead rants, excuse me). If you’re going to start “Hey, THEY VOLUNTARILY DO THOSE STUFF! NOBODY FORCES THEM TO DO THAT!” bullshit, I suggest you to shut up. Right there!

NO! They do that kind of stuff because that is what portrayed “normal” for them. Why does a 13 years old girl think about making herself look like a lady? Because the surroundings sow a tiny seed of evil thought that, if they look like a lady, that’d be good for them. Anyway, it is also true, if the parents are conscious, and the girls in question are resilient, they get to enjoy a normal pre-teen life.

But the poor girls who work in media? Bless them.

Pre-teen girls are often portrayed as more “grown-up” ish these days. These little humans are presented in designer gowns and makeups to cover their teenage innocence and give them what gets the “circulation”, SEX APPEAL! UGH!

This is so wrong! Not only this harms this poor kid, but also the kids of her age AROUND THE WORLD! When one child, who plays an iconic role in a series that is very jerry popular, the promotion stills and videos go viral in a snap! And the whole world grasps on whatever is provided.

More precisely, whatever pedophilia-friendly bullshit is provided! We are in a time when child pornography and sexual abuse on children is an uncontrollable problem. AND WE ARE FUELING IT MORE BY putting a pre-teen girl’s face plastered with makeup on a magazine cover and writing the word SEXY on it!

NO! DON’T EVEN DARE SAYING “Come on! She was only on the cover, and other grown-ups in a list are referred as “sexy”, not her!

Asshat! We know about the font sizes and how those impact your first impression! That pedophile in bus stand won’t bother reading the tiny text! They’ll see the poor teenager, and they’ll see the word SEXY. And they will jerk off to that! Yeah, that’s how they function!

STOP DOING THAT! FOR FUCK’S SAKE! LET THE KIDS BE KIDS! GIVE THEM CRAYONS FOR KIDS FOR A CHANGE! They have had enough of the “baby size tuxedos”, “baby lipsticks” and “baby cocktail dresses”!

More importantly, STOP STEALING THE CHILDHOOD FROM THE PRE-TEENS! They only get a few years to enjoy the innocence, until life happens, where more predators, financial crises and other demons start haunting them!



I don’t know anymore if it has become only a “modern” South Asian sentiment or if the whole world resonates the same, but must being a “successful woman” mean a woman who “balances” all the “roles”? This is gonna be an “uncomfortable” one, if just not “boring”. Thought I’d just let you know.

I should clarify the premise beforehand. Last Friday I went to a book launch event. That book included many success stories of women around us (mostly women born in Bengal region). This book written with a view to bring about female role models for the young generation, regardless of gender. My friend, an educator, and a passionate feminist, was very excited. Actually she informed me about this book and everything.

Anyway, this panel consisted the moderator, who was one of the authors, an educationist, who runs the administration of a very famous school, the first two female combat pilots of our airforce, the first female Mount Everest climber in our country, and a champion weight lifter. The last four ladies were mentioned in the book.

I guess my friend’s enthusiasm and (more importantly) a shitty week at work (it’s gonna start from tomorrow, and is gonna get A LOT WORSE) heightened my expectations and I hoped they would talk about the REAL issues women face.


Every single panel member was gushing about how they “manage” every single role they play, how it is “natural” for women to “compartmentalize” and “multitask”, how “supportive” their families are. Like they’re trying to say, “if you want to be successful, you MUST BE PERFECT!” Like that shitty meme (or a motivational quote) found in every trashy “for female” facebook pages, like how a woman must, “Look like a girl, think like a man, work like a horse and dress like a lady” to be “successful”.

Fuck them!

Sure they can keep their achievement to themselves. But HOW DARE THEM!

I don’t believe, for a fucking moment, that a woman must be a mother, a wife, a daughter in law to be “complete”. A woman does not need to be a “multitasking angel” to be “complete”. A woman does not need to be “close to nature” or have the “natural superpower” to “be perfect and nurturing” to be “complete”.

A woman is “complete”. That’s it! She is born complete. She is complete when she accomplishes things she wants to accomplish. Sure, to some extent she might have some responsibilities as an offspring to parents, like very humane, obvious ones. But that she’s born into. BUT SHE DOES NOT NEED TO HAVE THE REST “ROLES” THAT WE IMPLY THE “MODERN EDUCATED WOMEN” CAN “BALANCE”.

I fucking HATE the word “BALANCE”.

It is a shitty, condescending word, used on women to make life harder for her. And “successful women” in limelight normalize the condescension. The patriarchy implies that a woman need to be a good wife, good mother, good at her work AND A GOOD OFFSPRING to be complete.

There is NOTHING WRONG with balancing ALL THE ROLES. The problem is, we use this against women who are successful and choose not to play “ALL THE ROLES” and “be perfect”.

If you are a man who never married and lived your whole life focusing on your career, you are a devoted bachelor, applauded by family and society. People mention that in block letters, makes it an important point to mention. Parents tell their boys to “be devoted like this man”.

If you are a woman who never married and lived your whole life focusing on your career, YOU ARE A WORKAHOLIC SPINSTER, WHO ENDED UP BEING A CRAZY CAT LADY AND NO MEN WOULD TAKE HER!




Katharine Hepburn, my most favorite Hollywood actress to date was faced “criticism” from feminists for saying “Women cannot have it all”.


I personally believe she’s not as revered as the other famous lady in Hollywood with the same last name, because she chose not to be “perfect” as they say and be the badass person who speaks her mind instead. But she’s my hero! \m/

I don’t necessarily agree or disagree. I believe women DO NOT HAVE TO “HAVE IT ALL”. Neither do men.

If we could have it all, and we were perfect, what would the poor devil do? Do you want to put that poor soul out of work? You’re fucking horrible! Dang!



One Doesn’t Simply Make Sexist Memes/Unless They’re Complete Jerks

Is that just me or there are more people around who find memes are the most popular form of normalizing sexism these days? Sure, many of you’re gonna drop the “F” bombs (F==Feminazi) or “S” bombs (S=Sensitivity) or Orange Supreme’s favorite “PC” bomb, of course, PC does not mean “Personal Computer” anymore!

Time to up your game Microsoft!

Anyway, let me save you the argument you sexist meme apologists are gonna make at first. Yes, meme is just another form of humor content. There are many areas to explore for this new form(mat?) and creators from every corner of the world are contributing with their own brand of humor with this meme. And like every form of humor-based content, this can get offensive to some extent, there is nothing wrong with it. If we can swallow Ryan Reynolds saying sexist stuff with the red deadpool suit on (does he say anything REAL sexist? Or it’s just the meme-artists put D-Pooly’s face with sexist words?) why can’t we take some good ol’ manly humor from that “I don’t always” dude?

Women arent right


Dang! I forgot to check my genitalia! But wait! If as a woman I’m “wrong” and I think I have female genitalia, DOES THAT MEAN I’VE GOT MALE DING DONGS?

Anyway, I get your point, you’re trying to say, when someone is playing with humor, it can sometimes get a little too far and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a part of creative process.

In all seriousness and sense of humor (was the phrasing right? I can’t even tell anymore!) I (pretend to) respect your opinions, but I believe memes are one of the latest big thing that is normalizing sexism for us.


1. You encounter these almost everyday, MULTIPLE TIMES, whenever you’re browsing your home pages on social network platforms

2. It is generally perceived as a “harmless” humor content

3. It’s “trendy” and we are often slave of the “trends” and therefore lose our ability to be rational and cross the line

(and more)

Let’s just get visual for a change. Like what harm can some “funny” texts on pictures do anyway?

Since I’m a woman of STEM field, let’s just start with the “humor” that’s milked straight from women’s hand. Well, their ability to “handle” technology.

tech sexist meme

I’m sure, you’ve seen memes like these almost everywhere. Especially in home page because some of your “friends” already “liked” those and the notification just popped on your homepage. And you found it “not so uncool” too, and clicked the “like” button. It appeared to your other friend’s home page and they followed the suit.

But wait! Are you fucking serious?

People forget how to catch a break when it comes to belittling women in the field of STEM. My ladies in Scientista foundation, Stemettes, GirlsWhoCode and STEMFem have enough resources to shut you asshats down so I won’t even bother. You fucking goldfish memory people (or probably plain ignorant bozos), do you even know why some women are still a little concerned when they handle new technology? Because your fucking patriarchy did their best to keep them away from technology. However, that didn’t work, did it? Despite all the constraints, the wage gaps, the classroom sexism, the workplace sexism, the lack of cooperation from family- still women are not quitting and leaving their marks of success in that field. Next time you post another sexist meme about women in STEM, remember this lady. None of your dick jerking male buddies could top this lady’s success as a scientist who won Nobel prizes IN DIFFERENT FIELDS OF SCIENCE.

marie curie

But the harsh truth is, a meme like this one won’t get as much likes, shares and “reacts” as that sexist one did. Controversy and insults circulate better than true, empowering facts. And this clearly helps people who are yet to grow a value to navigate their stance. Those sexist memes would make that 7 years old brother/son/nephew of yours, who peeks behind you when you’re on phone browsing fayboo to think that women can’t do shit when it comes to technology. He’s likely to “mansplain” how the “computer scanning” works during computer class to a girl. If the girl is as sassy as I was as a 7 years old, he’ll be lucky and get an earful, which will be beneficial for him in future. But if that girl is a little nervous and probably has seen memes like this or in general, like most girls are, was raised with the value that, “girls are no match for technology”, would think she indeed is no match for technology.

(People can get rather creative when it comes to being a fucking sexist)

Goodness! Even writing about these “meme sexism” normalization in the field of STEM drives me crazy! RAWRRRR!

Speaking of DRIVING! (Dang! That was a great segway! (or segue?) Good job, me!) How many of you have seen this meme for the first time in your life? (I know only a few people read my blogs, but I can tell, this is a very fvcking common meme!)


Ohh! Poor man! Your lady can’t drive? She wrecks every single car? She doesn’t know how to fix the simplest problem with car? Of course that’s one thing to make fun of! Unless you remember that you’re just the same, but you can’t even realize because your fucking ego was always boosted by your surroundings because just because you have a certain type of genitalia, it immediately makes you a better person when it comes to handling automobiles. The sad truth is, some women, like I said when it comes to STEM, are doubtful about their driving skill only because they grew up learning that women are supposed to be “bad” at driving. But if you ignore that, women are just as good at driving as men! And when it comes to “fixing the problem”, I’ve seen enough men to mess with their car with “confidence”. Sometimes they get lucky, but in many cases they are as clueless AF, while only women are butt of this kind of “humor” when it comes to dealing with car problems. Yes, there are more women than your sexist pig brains can think, who can fix the automobile problems themselves or know what the auto-mechanics are doing.

Fuck off! Fix your patriarchy bullshit and then make fun of women who drive! You still think sexist memes are funny? Those are like pelting women virtually with real darts. Darts are game accessories after all, but those are sharp, does sting and can actually be harmful. Try to find humor in things that are actually funny. Like your lack of intellect!

Let me just get you another form of “humor” where murder is normalized as something funny, because “women should have shut the fuck up”! These people are no different from those tiki torch bearing racists or journalist slaying ISIS terrorists!

normalizing sexist murder

DON’T EVEN DARE SAYING “That’s the format of demotivator memes. It’s supposed to be ironic, sad, and offensive” This meme is far away from humor, it’s not even just sexist. IT’S PURE CRIMINAL INTENTION. And the intention is normalized in the lieu of a “format” of internet humor.

I can keep on ranting about memes forever, but will that matter? I don’t know. Today I found some parents discussing on a twitter thread what are the possible sources that influence kids to indulge in sexist behavior. I have some hope that people are starting to realize that THIS IS WRONG. Sexist values are wrong. So is normalization of sexism in any form. Does this benefit these meme making asshats anyway in the end? Other than getting some reactions and equally sexist stupid ass ego boosting comments by fellow asshats, this memes get them nothing. Maybe a few of them become “sensations” for a while, but hey, there’s always a new “sensation”. In the end these sexist pigs find themselves only with fellow sexist pigs and get stuck in an infinite loop of garbage ( probably along with causing occasional abuses on other people). These people don’t even know how to “get a life”.

No, I don’t feel “sorry” for these sexism “normalizers”. I just want their remaining intellect (if any) to dry up and them to be completely institutionalized. HAH!